Tahliah Debrett Barnett, also known as FKA Twigs, is an English singer-songwriter as well as a professional dancer and director. She was recently featured in an interview where she siad that emotional abuse can be "kind of sexy". Now, before you jump onto her and label her problematic please watch the whole video.
She further goes on to say that it's sexy because it's "tender" and it is. Emotionally abusive relationships rope you in, they're designed to make you question yourself. You ask yourself if your partner is so bad then why are they making you dinner, or driving to pick you up from work? If they're so horrible then why are they making sweet social media posts (if that's your thing) or paying to get you pampered? They're doing that to make you doubt yourself, they know that if they hit or degrade and humiliate you once and then smooth it over with something thoughtful that you'll feel secure again. And slowly, but surely, it will happen again. You can see this in her work, specifically "Water Me", "Pendulum" and "Papi Pacify".
In "Water Me" Twigs sings, "He won't make love to me now/ Not now, I've set the fee/ He said it's too much in pounds/I guess I'm stuck with me", stating that the man she wantsto be with doesn't think that she's worth it. She's demanding too much of him, she wants to be watered by him , shown affection and to know that she's wanted. She's like a flower and she needs him to nurture her but it's not that he can't, it's that he doesn't want to. That feeling of being worth less to somebody than you thought you were is what gnaws on you at night. You ask yourself why you're not worth it, be that commitment, honesty or fidelity. You think it's you but it's them and that is what is so hard to understand. They simply don't think you're worth it and that's their problem, not yours. In "Papi Pacify" she is seen with a man who seems to embrace her and give her what she needs sexually but his loving hold on her neck begins to look like a chokehold and the erotic nature of his hand reaching down her throat becomes silencing. She becomes a mere plaything. she is silenced and choked into forced submission. She is quieted, the title "Papi Pacify" makes it seem as if he is nurturing her but once more he isn't and that feeling can be addictive. She recognizes this in her interview as well and why it's "messed up" because some part of your mind likes it.
"Whisper you’re the one to fix it too/Even if you won’t", "Oh show/Tell me you’re the one that I can call/Even if you choke" is again misleading her to put her trust in the wrong person. They will make you feel worthless and dependent and they will smooth it over with loving sex, with gifts or even ask for your hand in marriage and you will feel crazy. You will start to wonder if those moents even happened and when that happens they will have won. You will dismiss the busted lip, the bruised eye and the way that your clothing has changed. If you were into showing more skin you will now cover up and vice versa.
In "Pendulum", "I've got time, but you're tired of waiting/You only want me in open spaces/Can’t fill your gaps with people/I know no one" . They will start with your friends and then your family and then even your coworkers until you are completely isolated, and then they will start on you. What are your passions? They will take your writing, your painting, your sketchbook, your jewelry making. All of it . And when they have everything you once did they will take your personality until you are only a shell and you can't help it. You can;t help that they manipulated you into something hllow and broken and worng. You tursted them and you wanted them to be the right person. You can't help it but you can recognize it and fight back. Tahliah is right, it can be tender and very loving but it can destroy you and the only way to fight it is to reclaim yourself.
Reclaim your space, your family and your connections.
Recognize that you deserve these good things and the happy moments that come with them and devalue the partner that is trying so hard to break you.
Recognize that they are just one in several billion and that they don't matter.
Leave them and leave whole.
