You're in a room. The walls are black, the floor is black and the only open space you see is the empty roof above you. You can see the birds flying by and you can see the clouds passing with the bright blue background of the sky behind it. You can hear the world happening around you, but you can't see it.
You can't see the trees changing colors in the fall because all you see is darkness. You can't see the expression on someone's face when they laugh because all you see is the emotion you lack. You can only see the four black walls surrounding you as the world keeps moving along and you are stuck there in the bleakness of your own sad tragedy of life.
This is what it's like to live with depression. You can feel everyone around you moving at full speed while you are on pause observing. You sit there in your dark corner with the gloomy cloud of non-existing emotion because the only pain you feel is the pain you inflict on yourself.
For the past seven years, I have been in and out of that dark room where I would have to make leaps out of because there was no door to help me get out. Eventually, I would get out but not before the trial and error of medication, therapy, and failed relationships took their toll.
But there used to be a time where I saw no way of getting out. There was no formation of a door to let me out or no helping hand to pull me out of the dark vortex I was falling into because I never reached out to take the hand of help. Instead, I reached over for the bottle of pills to drown my pain away and by a miracle, It didn't work.
The suicide rate in America according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention 12.93 per 100,000 individuals. On average, there are 117 suicides a day and suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.
When a person gets to that state of mind where the only way to ease the pain is to completely end it, it is a terrible feeling. Most people will think that mental illness just means that people are to involved in their emotions and that isn't always the case. It's the feeling of never finding hope after constantly searching for it and wondering what in the world you could have done to deserve this pain. It is not easy to go through it and it certainly is not easy to go through it alone.
If there was something I could tell myself six years ago before my suicide attempt, it would be to set the record straight that life gets better.
Living with depression and anxiety is an everyday battle with good days and bad days but I am happy to have realized that I am not alone in this battle. I have extended my hand to get myself out of the dark room when I fall in and I know that the willingness to fight is stronger than the willingness to give in. In my heart, I know I am stronger than my mind may persuade me to be. I have the drive to push through the bad times because I have lived through them a hundred times to see the good times at the end of the road.
Life, as precious as it is, is more valuable than words can express it. You are not broken. You are not damaged goods. You are a valuable life in this world, never forget that.
If you or a loved one are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HELLO to 741-741. Also contact your local authorities (911) or contact a mental health professional. It is never too late.
