If I dig back into the roots of my anxiety, I can pinpoint what I strongly believe to be the cause.
Around age nine, a serious family matter arose, which I assume got around to other families and friends around us. All I can say is that prior to this issue, I was an outgoing, vibrant young girl, then turned into someone who was ignored, occasionally made fun of, and could barely count the number of friends she had on one hand.
Over the course of two years, those few “friends” that I had joined the crowd of those who tuned me out (I’m sure you know who you are). From then on, I never found myself able to speak out or behave in my normal, energetic way without feeling constant judgment (whether it was visible or not). I couldn’t be myself in fear that that was what drove others away from me.
Those feelings are still present today. And it sucks.
Aside from the typical fears that come with this anxiety (ordering food, participating in class, talking on the phone, rejection, etc.) that I have, there are more aspects that are difficult to bear and attempt at overcoming, all of which I have been dragging along for the past several years. Every day it’s the same feeling, and it’s making my life way more difficult than it needs to be.
I have no skills in comforting others, fearing what I say won’t be good enough.
I don’t like being asked complex questions, or making decisions, knowing whatever I choose for a solution can be wrong. I hear people laughing behind me, and I automatically believe it has something to do with me, whether or not I even know the group. It’s too much to handle, and the list can only go on.
Anytime I feel a certain amount of attention directed towards me during presentations, walking out in the open, and conversations with those I’m not familiar with, I feel nothing but judgment. I can feel the mental comments and thoughts from those around me about the way I’m speaking, moving, how I look...anything that could be ridiculed and used to bring me down.
When I began high school, and college just a couple months ago, my desire to make friends and learn about those around me was prominent, though my mind was on full panic mode. I can’t begin a conversation with someone without feeling as though I’m annoying them, saying something out of the ordinary, and either worrying that I’m speaking too much, or not at all.
If I’m speaking to someone, and they aren’t acting as outgoing or friendly as I expected they would/how they usually do, I have an automatic assumption that it’s entirely my fault, that I’m too boring or bothersome.
Even after constant reassurance that it’s not due to me, I’ll always believe that it's my fault.
Having to speak to someone, mainly with anyone I want to get to know better, is a struggle. I want to talk, I really do. But it’s hard for me to keep a conversation going when I’m afraid of killing a potential friendship by saying something I’m lead to believe is abnormal. I have to prepare exactly word for word what I’m going to say beforehand and practice it until I’m sure I’ve got it right.
It’s hard to be myself and show my personality when all I can think about is making sure the other person sees me as “normal,” and that they will like me. I have an automatic tape that plays in my brain telling me that a lot of people don’t like me, which is probably true. However, when all you can do is assume that you’ve done or said something weird without realizing, you’ll be afraid to do or say anything at all, in fear that will only add to the annoyance that people have towards you.
Sometimes I even feel this way with my own friends. I’ll question whether or not they even like to be around me, even if they say they do. I’ll wonder if they’re just trying to put up with me for the sake of not hurting me in the end. While I’m sure that’s far from the truth, these thoughts will always pop up every now and then.
I can rarely bring myself to trying new activities or speaking out about different topics or situations.
I live in constant fear of being told I’m wrong or being laughed at for messing up, receiving criticism whether it is constructive or not. From being wrong, that annoyance and dislike from others comes with it.
If I’m ridiculed for doing or saying something wrong/ignorant, it will loom in my mind for days or weeks at a time. Knowing that others didn’t appreciate my thoughts or actions at the moment tells me that they’ll remember that moment the next time something similar comes around. Or, when looking back at a conversation, remembering something weird that I said will make me cringe to no end, and will haunt me each time I try to speak to the said person(s).
Though it feels like my anxiety is slowly decreasing, it is still ever-present.
To anyone else reading this article that finds themselves in the same situation as me, know that you’re not alone. None of this is easy to live with or overcome. Over time, it will get better. It’s slowly beginning to with myself, and will eventually make its way to you, too.
