January 1, 2015 greeted me with a flustered call from my father telling me, “Your mom is in the hospital. Im coming to get you.” The night before would be the last day I journeyed through life unaware of the pain and suffering that lie ahead. I had been at my best friend’s, Jordan Koehnke, house eating light fluffy pancakes drenched in sweet syrup, sipping creamy hot chocolate and laughing joyously in the presence of my friend.
The call I received from my dad, at that time, symbolized a world full of fear and doubt in which all would turn to turmoil. Vile thoughts ran across my mind, exhausting my ability to find the joy in midst of an unexpected situation. Immediately, cancer became the only answer to all my confusion. Immediately, I diagnose my mom with the fate of death. I said goodbye before she had even gone. All I knew was she was in a hospital bed, she had an IV, she was weak and frail, she was depressed, she was angry, she was unsure, she had cancer, but she was still my mom. She changed. She stared into the eyes of a beastly lion, and saw two fates. One in which she stayed this way, wishing sickness didn't exist and hating God for it, and another in which she realized and accepted her new life and made the most of it.
Though moments in her journey weren't clear, her decision was. My mom battled to expedite the narrow, windy path of life. Her decision to endeavor down it, though, gave me reason to do the same. There are moments of sheer serenity and others of intolerable pain. We are two who have different journeys, different lessons to be learned, but reliant on each other for guidance and support. We are each others inspiration and motivation to go through what we must to draw closer to god. Her peace of mind, acceptance of the unknown and reliance on God has taught me to enjoy the presence, appreciate what I have, and find the beauty everywhere I go. No matter how unfair, how dark, how unpredictable my life becomes, I know there is good to be found in the midst of it all. Nothing that we can’t handle is given to us. Discussing death is not easy. Watching your mom cry is not reassuring. Looking into a love ones eyes and seeing nothing is not pleasant. Comforting your mom through a seizure is not normal. Cancer has been a boat ride through a storm, but along the way I have seen miraculous shining stars, the glorious sun rise and much beauty. I have seen the substance that my mom is, not the cancer that consumes her.
Transferring this knowledge to nursing, I hope to attain the same perspective for the lives of my patients. I hope to lead them faithfully into the arms of God and away from the depths of desperation ailments bring. Leading faithfully through love instills the morals in me that love is commitment, independence, risk, courage, discipline and sheer will. Learning to lead faithfully in my nursing education develops me into a nurse willing to provide herself for the other persons benefit and vice versa. Willing to reveal herself and be vulnerable with patients when their pain and suffrage has escalated beyond the point of immediate revival. It is these leading faithfully values I yearn to inflict upon my nursing education, so patients I will tend to can experience the uplifting forces of hope; so coworkers can become inspired to thrive for miracles as we live for a supernatural God; so I can embody Jesus and give those in need a smiling face and encouraging words. Though I know there will not always be times of joy and serenity, I yearn to live through the life threatening moments with my patients as I come to terms that I would rather be overwhelmed by pain than feel numb to its existence.
