I've recently come to a long overdue conclusion. Life is a tough crowd, and you can't please everyone. I've always been the type of person who tried to work around the needs of others. I would aim to accommodate people how ever I could and I would give up things that I wanted to do because it wasn't what they had planned. To make matters worse I also became the girl who changed her personality in order to get along or satisfy other people better. Sh*t, I even changed the way I walked down the street if somebody didn't like it and boy, was I wrong for doing so. Not only did I develop an anxiety disorder, one that ultimately led to my demise through overthinking my each move, I also tried to be perfect all the time and I ruined moments that could have been cherished.
I lost a part of myself that I really enjoyed. I somehow convinced myself that I should strive to be "the giver." That I should find happiness in my ability to make others feel OK. This is a good mentality to have when somebody you love is having a rough time in life, but it's no way to be for an extended period. I don't know who is to blame here: myself because I did this even though I knew deep down that it was wrong or the people I have surrounded myself with, who were too selfish to see the ripples in the atmosphere their actions kept creating. I now know that people most people only act in their own self interest, and you can't always look for the best in them. When somebody is constantly giving you ultimatums, letting you know that your presence means nothing to them, and putting you down, you have to wake up and realize that they are treating you like sh*t.
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I will admit right off the bat that I am complicated. I have personality traits that are negative and sometimes I do and say things that most people usually just think to themselves, but so what? There are a million different types of people out there who act in various ways and their ways may be considered strange to some yet totally chill to others. If a person has a negative attitude about you, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, they will still bring your every action to attention and deem it "wrong." The key to a healthy mind is to be true to yourself, and I don't know why I ever felt the need to try and fit into a certain mold created by another person's mind. A mold that ultimately set me up for failure from the get-go because it was a mold. It wasn't a mold of me, but a constructed "ideal." I don't know why I felt like that was what I needed to do in order to be accepted and liked by somebody. I guess I grew addicted to the attention and affection they were giving me. But I never understood one thing, that if I can put up with other people's bullsh*t then why can't others cut me some slack?
Because feeling pressured to be or to do something you don't want to do sucks. Feeling like you can't do other things out of fear of somebody's reaction to it is worse. It's so unfair and it can lead to so many problems within! I don't think it's right to go around faking it. If you are sad, then f*ck it, cry and be sad. Don't try to hold in your sadness and tears just because you don't want to upset somebody else. If you hide your emotions and perform actions that you don't really mean, soon enough you'll find yourself lying and losing grip of yourself. You might be OK with the "compromise" for the time being, but in the long run the negative effects will eat at you from within.
My best advice to anyone who is currently experiencing a similar situation or flood of emotions is to simply be alone for a while. After people have torn you to shreds with expectations and demands, spend time alone. Be by yourself and get back to what really makes you, you. Promise yourself that you'll change whatever you can change and make active choices in order to stick to your promise.
For the others, who might be reading this and thinking about that one special person whom they abuse with criticism and expect too much from; try to reflect. Reflect on your own life, and try to figure out why you are the way you are. Be brave enough to face yourself and ask these questions. You might be the problem, it might be you ruining a relationship with somebody in your life that could be different. Because as the girl who always wanted to change herself, I can honestly say that the accommodators are trying to smooth things out. We are social chameleons who adapt to our surroundings in order to please, not create a problem. Our goal is to create peace, and we will do anything to achieve it.
In order to stabilize relationships and promote well being for all, people need to be more receptive to other's behaviors and tendencies. Perhaps it's time to redefine things for ourselves.
