On January 6th 2014, my world plummeted to the depths of the earth. I had fallen into the dark cave just like Bruce Wayne. As quoted from "Batman Begins," Thomas Wayne tells Bruce, “Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” This is what we learn from our experience with grief. No two people grieve the same, nor will they grieve at the same time.
Life just happens to be like an ocean. Some days, the waves will wash upon the shores nice and calm, or other days the waves wash up and roll back and transform into tall giants. Grief and literacy connect in a sense that they both show us who we truly and what we are capable of achieving. We are challenged by grief to dig deep inside our emotions and process them by using the powerful exchange of literacy and emotions.
Before my dad passed away, he was telling us how much he loved us and being able to watch us grow up into young adults. It hurt me to know he wouldn’t be there to see me walk across the stage, to receive my diploma. I was hurt because we didn’t know how sick he was until July 2013. I was angry he decided to keep his illness from me. I know I was only 15, but I had lost my grandma (his mom) two months earlier. My dad always protected me from getting hurt as I was his little girl. He couldn’t stand seeing me hurt and not be able to fix it. I wrote to him as much as I could through email, texting and calling. I made notes on what I wanted to tell him the next time I saw him or when I called him.
Growing up, I always thought losing a parent was impossible, but I wasn’t fully matured at the age of 15. The first week after my dad passed, I didn’t want to do anything, except to be with my dad. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, nor is there one way to grieve. I noticed that my mom grieved in a separate manner, checking in on us more frequently. I grieved by shutting the world out and not care what was going on. I decided to stay at home for a week since I was so upset with the event that just happened. I was screaming on the inside, but didn’t show it on the outside.
Grief will affect everyone in a different way. There are five different stages in the grieving process. This stages includes: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages do not happen in any order, nor do they happen just once. To give a better explanation, after finding out my dad passed, I spiraled into a deep dark pit, overwhelmed with depression. I also felt extremely angry, for I had just seen him two days prior to his death. He told my mom that he didn’t want us to be there when he passed away. I was angry that he said that! I was angry that I never got to say goodbye. The third stage was denial, and of course, I didn’t want to think he was really gone. I was willing to bargain anything just to get my dad back, but I knew it wasn’t possible. He was gone and pretty soon I’d have to accept the fact that he was gone. I had emailed my teachers, informing them of my dad’s passing. They kept an eye on me as I didn’t participate in class like I normally did, and I wasn’t paying attention either.
When I wasn’t paying attention in class, I would be writing in my notebook. I finally got the courage to go see my counselor and just open up to him. I needed to let out my emotions but didn’t want to hurt my mom. My counselor recommended I see the school social worker as she could help me as well. Together they came up with ideas to cope with my grief. I tried writing, going for walks, listening to music, meditate, do yoga to even playing my viola, but nothing helped ease the pain.
When I was little, my dad always sang me a lullaby before I went to bed. It was Billy Joel’s "Goodnight My Angel." The lyrics were soothing and brought me comfort, knowing he was always with me. The lyrics “Someday we’ll all be gone, but lullabies go on and on, they never die, that’s how you and I will be.” I didn’t realize what it meant until after he passed away. If and when I have a child, whenever I sing it, I know he’ll be there. It’s hard losing a parent at a young age, as they’re someone you rely on for protection, love and encouragement.
We’ve all been told, “You’ll find that one special man” throughout our entire life. I didn’t know that he was THE one… You’ll never know how much you care for someone or something until it’s too late. During the first semester of junior year, my dad went to KU medical center as he got very ill. My mom, sister and I drove to KU med every other day just to be with him. On our visit January 4th 2014, Mom and Jess went to get dinner and I chose to stay behind. I held his hand and began singing our favorite song. When my mom and sister returned, we got ready to go back home. I hugged my dad one last time, before we left, not knowing it would be the last time I could hear him say, “I love you, Allie!”
Whenever a massive storm approaches the shoreline, the skies become dark with ominous looking clouds. Grief is the stormy cloud that hovers over you day after day. I felt the world circle around me, trapping me in a pitch black vortex. I was too afraid to take a step, only to fear I’d be swallowed right back in. Grief connects with literacy through the use of language. We are able to express a majority of our thoughts and feelings. In another way, we use them to remember the loved one with a eulogy.
In a eulogy, a grieving person is able to share wonderful memories of the beloved friend or family member who passed. I wrote and shared several memories that my dad and I had. We had a bond no one can ever replace. There will always be a hole that’s meant to be for my dad. I remember seeing all of our friends and family shed a few tears as I read the paper in front of me. I could feel they were trying to understand where I was coming from.
The day after my dad passed, I was overwhelmed with many emotions. I didn’t know how I was feeling. I only saw the pitch black darkness hovering over me. My dad always told me never be afraid. That he was always right there with me and that he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. He was also open and honest with me. I learned so much from my dad growing up, that I am able to share that knowledge with my friends and hopefully my own children. I plan on passing down the tradition of singing Billy Joel’s “Goodnight My Angel” as well.
