I remember when Princess Diana died...

I remember sitting on the blue couch in our living room of the house in Pebble Brook... I remember all of the flowers people brought.

I looked over at my mother with curious eyes and asked: "why is this such a big deal?"

I was only a child and had never experienced death before. I didn't know what it meant when someone died.

My mom gently went on to explain that she was a very important person and that a lot of people loved her. They showed their love by bringing flowers. And even as a child who was very naive, I remember thinking.... but flowers die.

When 9/11 happened, I was in middle school and was one of the first kids to hear about it at my school. They hadn't made the announcement because they decided if these children had family in New York this would surely upset them. But before I really understood what had happened, I was staring at the TV in the office thinking "why is everyone so upset and crying?"

And then my dad picked me up from school... and he was crying... as he intently listened to the radio. As a man who not only served our country but was also born in New York, this was an attack on him.

I lost my paternal grandmother within that same year and my paternal grandfather the year prior... and my uncle a few years later.

But then 2008 came...

And I lost someone I was close to. Whom I had just spoken to a few weeks prior. And she was 21. And suddenly death made more sense to me. I was 17. I was more aware of my emotions.

For several months I was in a depression I could not escape. I just kept wondering why. Questioning why.

And then 2010. I lost my maternal grandmother... who was my second mom in every sense. And the heartache of death showed its ugly face once more.

2014 a friend and coworker took her own life. Leaving a work crew darkened and confused.

My heart broken, I thought to myself.... it has been a terrible year and it is only February.

And then December came and I lost my mother. And in all the death I had experienced prior, it doesn't really touch the hole that is left when you lose a parent. At 24 I still have so many things I want to call my mother about.

"Mom you wouldn't believe the day I had."

"Mom guess who they killed off on Grey's Anatomy!" (She probably had it recorded and hadn't watched it, yet)

"Mom... I'm getting married..."

Mother's Day is nearing and it will be my first without her.

I am not sure what to do.

Because I can't call her. Or buy her flowers. Or hug her.

She has been weighing heavy on my heart and soul this past week. I would give anything to have her arms around me once more.

My mother once told me that the world grieved and mourned for one person. And that all those flowers were for her.

But flowers die.

So I won't leave roses for you, mom.

I will keep doing all of the things that make you proud and I swear one day when I see you again, I won't be that kid who is just alright. I'll be the woman you wrap your arms around and I know I will hear you whisper "you did great"

Until that day.

I will wake up each morning making new memories and creating new stories to tell you about.