So I haven’t really felt in the mood for life recently. Honestly I much rather spend my days in my bed. And I am oh, so thankful to have an Editor who understands and cares about my personal health. So to those who don’t understand what it’s like to have anxiety or depression, let me take you through a “normal” day of my life.
Starting with the night before I go to sleep almost around 3am and if I’m lucky I can make it to bed by midnight. But on those really lucky days, I can make it to bed by 11 but almost always around midnight to 3am. Starting off my day, I usually wake up around 7am or like today 10am and for those horrible days 12pm. Sleep is one thing that makes it seem easier to go through the day. My family doesn’t really understand what my day consist of. But I don’t really tell them. I don’t know how to tell them. How do you tell them it’s a pain to be who you are? That every day you go to war with yourself and never win? That people’s opinion haunts you in your everyday task? That when you’re by yourself and all of a sudden it feels like your heart is trying to get out your chest?
To those who don’t know what an anxiety attack feels like. Just imagine the breath being sucked out of you. Your heart beating so fast you can barely catch a breath. Your hands start to shake and you just want it to stop. You want to cry because it hurts so badly but you don’t want to look at like some freak with problems. So you lock yourself away waiting for it to stop and then when it does you pretend it didn’t happen at all. Because pretending always made it better. You pretend your life is amazing when you now you’re not happy. Cause it’s easier to fool everyone else than to fool yourself. You cry by yourself because being weak just isn’t an option. You don’t let your mom know that that number 1 fear in your life is disappointing her. Or let yourself sister know that all you want from her is to hug you so tightly until you can’t breathe anymore.
How do you explain to others that crying is hard for you and that when you do cry you cry for hours? When you battle with a mental disease by yourself one day you will crash.
Now I do have happy moments but lately, they just seem so rare. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. I just no longer know what to do anymore. And to those who know what it’s like to have depression and anxiety. It’s never too late to ask for help.
