All through my childhood, my dad would have bonfires with us a few times a week, but not just any bonfires. We would walk around the driveway and he would tell us stories of the headless horseman and sometime in the story sneak off behind a bush or corn stalks and scare us. We would laugh until we cried, and spend hours looking for shooting stars and the Big Dipper.
I was 19 when I lost my dad. Still, to this day, it is the hardest pain I have dealt with. Something so unexpected and sudden, what is life like after losing part of you? I like to compare it to watching a movie because you can never relive the moments but you can always replay the memories in your head.
Many of us lose a parent at young ages even if that means being 45 years old. The moment for me was 3 days after they found his cancer, and the chemo was too much for his heart so God called him home to end his pain. You know how they say time freezes? This is actually what it feels like. The world around you becomes a blur, and almost instantly your brain just shuts down and starts replaying all the memories of love and laughter in your head. I'm sure all of you know this feeling, and it never really disappears, it just lessens. I once read a quote that said "time heals all wounds, but I do not agree. The wounds remain but are covered with scars and the pain lessens. But is never gone."
So the little things like eating bowls of ice cream and watching movies together or playing catch out back. These are the things we remember so clearly and miss daily. "The death of any loved parent is incalculable" quotes Brenda Ueland, because no one ever loves you like that again.
Day after day it gets easier, but no I'm the sense that you miss them less or it hurts less, just that it gets easier to cope with the loss. Many of you would agree that your parents/parent is your real life superhero. Daily, you're haunted by the memory ghost that takes you back to your favorite Christmas when you built snowmen, you see their favorite candy in the store you used to buy them for every one of their birthdays, or the song you danced to while standing on their feet because yours were too little to move as fast as theirs.
In this life you will live after this pain, please know it is OK to be sad, please know that you never have to "get over it," and please remember they will always be proud of you. Don't feel guilty that you weren't always there on their good days, maybe you missed a movie night or a chance to tell them goodnight. You could not have predicted this, life happens, and it all happens for a reason one we will never understand. Be strong and courageous for them.
One thing to always remember now is to live in the moment because tomorrow is not promised, tell your family you love them, spend more time with those who love you, and every once in awhile, look up and say hello because they'll be smiling back at you waiting for the day when you meet again.
"You held my hand when I was small, you caught me when I fell, the hero of my childhood and my later years as well. Every time I think of you my heart fills with pride, and though I will always miss you, I know you're by my side, in laughter and in sorrow, in sunshine and in rain. I know you're watching over me until we meet again."
