In grade school and high school we had a few lectures from guest speakers about what healthy relationships look like and what abusive relationships look like. I always dismissed them because I thought, "who would be dumb enough to stay in an abusive relationship?" Little did I know that I would end up being one of those people. I am finally out of that emotionally abusive relationship, and here are a few letters to people effected by it:
To my abuser,
Why did I stay with you for so long? I'm still not completely sure of the answer to that. You are a master manipulator; you knew exactly what to say to get me to stay, to get me to defend you, to make me feel like everything was my fault. You knew what you were doing was wrong. I don't think you grasped exactly how wrong it was, because you always had excuses. You told me you would change, and I think that's why I kept hanging on, and you knew it too. How did I ever love someone that made me hate myself, that controlled me so entirely, that took away my life for a whole year?
I want you to know that there's no excuse for how you treated me. A relationship should not be based on jealousy and control. A relationship should have compromise and trust, two words that seemed so foreign to you. You made me think that your jealousy was just a sign of how much you loved me. Jealousy does not equal love! I hope that you got help and changed for the better, because I hope that I was the last person to ever fall victim to you.
To my friends and family,
I'm sorry. I will never forgive myself for letting someone take me away from you for so long. I'm sorry that I missed birthdays and dinners and other events, big and small, just because she told me to. I'm sorry that I listened to her when she demanded I spend time with her constantly. I'm sorry that when you confronted be about the issue and tried to show me how unhealthy the relationship was that I just defended her and instead pushed you away. I'm sorry to my best friend. I'm sorry I let her ruin our friendship.
Thank you. Thank you to the ones that weren't afraid to confront me, to tell me that she was terrible and that I needed to spend more time focusing on other people and things in my life. Thank you to the friends that stuck by my side even when I tried to push you away. I know it was hard to stay friends with me during that time. Thank you to the people that called BS when I tried to say that the scars on my arms were from falling or my cat. Thank you for helping me even when it was clear I didn't think I needed help.
To myself,
Never, EVER let someone treat you like that again. Don't make excuses for them, don't defend their bad behavior. Don't push your loved ones away; listen to them when they tell you that you need to get out of a relationship. Don't keep dating someone just because you're hoping that they'll change. Don't stay in a relationship with someone when the songs that remind you of them aren't love songs, but songs like "You Don't Own Me" by Grace and "Love Yourself" by JB. No one has the right to go through your phone and your journal, no one has the right to tell you what to wear, no one has the right to dictate when you can and can't hang out with friends. Don't stay in a relationship when you have a long list of rules that you have to follow. Break up with someone the minute they start discouraging your goals and dreams. When it starts to feel more like jail than a relationship, GTFO.
I'm glad to finally have my life back. I get to hang out with friends and visit ones I normally never see. I get to go out, have fun, go to concerts and movies and festivals. I get to enjoy little things like learning the ukulele, reading, making art. I finally have time to actually work and make money. I get to have leadership positions and join clubs and plan things like studying abroad and spring break trips. I don't have to constantly worry about displeasing someone if I do any of these things. I get to be happy again.
