I understand that people are scared… but always asking me about it makes me paranoid. For those of you who don’t know, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervous four years ago. It was a struggle to get back to myself. I was eating but I was working out more than I was eating… My body was failing and people were scared. I was scared. But that scare caused me to never want to go back into that lifestyle. My body hurt, my head hurt, and people were rude. I understand that you are worried still but please stop asking me if I am eating enough, if I am taking care of myself, and stop saying that I am skinny.
If there is one thing that you need to know about an eating disorder it is that people will suffer through this on a daily basis; and trigger words are easy. We also have PTSD, believe it or not. When and before I was diagnosed, after losing 90lbs, people would talk about my weight to my face. They would compliment me with cruel words or with their concerns. Little did they know, that behind the hard exterior was a vulnerable little 17-year-old girl fighting a monster that they didn’t understand. I knew I had to fix my life, but people were telling me CONSTANTLY I was wrong, and that made it worse. They would say “Eat more,” “You are not eating enough,” “You are still too skinny.” My appeasing them set off another eating disorder, commonly known as binge eating. I did not force myself to throw up, I just ate out of constant fear that people would bring up my anorexia. Threats of being put in a house for an illness I was trying to change scared me enough. In the process of hearing those words, I gained 60lbs in a span of six months. That was equally unhealthy… I just wanted people to stop spewing their words at me.
It took me years to get back into a HEALTHY eating habits and back into a HEALTHY workout routine. It has taken me years to get to a weight where I am healthy after losing and gaining so much. People in and no longer in my life helped me realize that words should not affect me. Unfortunately, I am human… and words still do hurt, even if I give off that b**** attitude.
There are people currently in my life that know and ask me about my past. They ask because they are concerned, but they aren't aware that their questions can serve as a trigger. When people ask me if I am eating enough, I begin to eat excessively out of fear. When people count calories and tell me about it, I have to walk away. I understand you are concerned and you don’t want to lose me, but please just trust me. TRUST me when I say I never want to do that to myself again…please believe me that I am trying, that I am conquering this, and stop bringing up my past. It hurts to hear it and it sets me off in fear. I have worked so hard to get at the place in my life where I am happy and healthy. I love you guys and thank you for making sure I am healthy and caring about my well-being...believe me though, I've got this. I am healthy and happy.
