I don’t know much to say on the subject to be quite honest, I’m still far from over it, but I suppose I’m writing more to other survivors to know they’re not alone, and that going on one day at a time is possible. That and saying “things you’ll think and things to remember after surviving a sexual assault” is too long of a title. Of course there are so many thoughts and feelings and reactions and every instance is going to be different; but I hope I can reach someone.

Shitty things that are going to happen that you probably already know but I’m going to say anyway for those who don’t: Your experience(s) are going to be a political statement, maybe not your particular story, but stories of those all too close with yours. You’re going to have to hear again and again about rape culture, you’re going to hear so many opinions of what someone in your shoes should do what they should have done. Women like you, if not you yourself are going to be shamed. You are going to hear the courts fail, media fail, and humanity might fail you too. Perhaps you are from a demographic where your entire existence is a political statement and this was your everyday life before something else was taken away; those of dark complexion, those whose cultures are fetishized, those who do not fit into cis, hetero-normalized life, those whose rates of abuse are much higher than my own even as a Caucasian girl in college. You are going to learn to bite your tongue. You will learn to speak out against rape culture in the third person narrative- as a bystander, never as a player in the conversation. Perhaps you will do the opposite. Perhaps your experience will fill you with rage, a fire inside to fight these conditions some feel pressured to comply in. Perhaps you will use your story to inspire others and inspire change. To fight the culture of victim blaming head on and to make changes. Perhaps you will do a mix of both. Perhaps you feel the fires inside yourself, but you feel safer to still speak out in the third person, to make changes on behalf of all of the hypothetical girls that were really you all along. No matter which reaction you choose, do not let anyone tell you it was the wrong path. Many will try and you must try to ignore them and continue on your path. There are no cowards with this story, only men, women, and those who are somewhere in between (or neither at all) who are exercising a right to choose that at some point was withheld from them, and there is strength in reclaiming choice, no matter what the choice is.

If you choose to confide in someone you will likely feel some sort of blame or denial.

Three instances come to mind, but we will only discuss the latter two. I discuss them in other articles so I’ll try to keep it brief. The first one I went to a guy’s house, left a couple by themselves, and he, I suppose didn’t want to feel left out. I guess I’ll never know. He had me pinned, forced me to perform oral, I pulled a knife on him, I took friend and left. The second one I struggle with the most. If you asked me what I was wearing I’d tell you nothing, I chose to sleep naked next to him in his bed. I was with someone I had sexual relations with for a while and knew very well. He woke up horny, woke me up, I said no, he begged and continued on with it when my ‘no’s got less forceful and much quieter. The second one wasn’t violent. It wasn’t “forceful” in the traditional sense. And it is the only experience that still haunts me every single day. It is the one I could never report. It is one where I hope he burns in hell but yet I still want him to come back and put back the pieces he broke. It is the one that when I hear other stories of date rape and of blood and torture I think to myself of how lucky I was and yet I still think from time to time how much better I’ d feel if I was dead instead. I project victim blaming onto myself and not others. You might get projected victim blaming and outside victim blaming and I’m sorry for perpetuating it. You might be sorry as well. Maybe your stories are similar to one or both of mine, perhaps you share the fear of loneliness and rejection of your story because it is not up to society’s standards of what a rape “should be”. And I’m probably writing this more for myself to know that I’m not alone and to try and use my voice again. But I hope I touch your heart as well and speak of your stories too.

And the scariest thing about healing is the thought that you might not, and perhaps we won’t. More often than not I think I won’t ever heal from it, that it won’t ever stop replaying in my head. Maybe we’re all forced to build a community of love and support for on the days we don’t heal and the days where all the wounds reopen. I honestly don’t know much about healing. I often find comfort on being a grouchy woman who thrives in bitterness and pity. I’m probably not much help at all in fact, just a girl telling her own story, although I do hope that that is help enough. And not ever completely healing isn’t a death sentence, it’s not an excuse to give up (although I do wish society would stop demonizing those who do, sometimes life is too much for one person to handle). Because it does get better, and some day are great, and the sun still shines. I’ve learned to mostly be okay in the arms of my current SO. Even having another SO was more than I thought I could ever handle again one point in time. There are days I still have to pull away, some days where instead of his face, his name, he has that of another. There are still days I jump from his touch and just break down as experiences are lived through again, but I can be held. I can be loved and feel comfortable with another; which is much greater than I had imagined for myself- so perhaps I have healed- perhaps you are healing too, even if it is comprised of small changes you don’t see at first either. And perhaps the pessimist in me that only sees the negative needs to take a break, even if it’s just to put her away to help another soul.

But for all of those times you hear that (s)he should have done this, done that, said something sooner, said something different, done something more, spoken more loudly, spoken more quietly, worn this or that- just remember that through all of that there are still people encouraging you to do whatever you need to do to heal, that there is no right or wrong way to respond to something like an assault, and that by going one day at a time you are doing something beautiful and courageous and as perfectly as anyone could hope to be.