Due to the fact that I seem to have more health issues than most 80-year-old men, my doctors have placed me on medically mandated sobriety until my health problems subside. Or, in plain English, I'm forced to remain sober.

Not wanting to miss out on all the fun nights that my closest friends are having simply because of these issues, I have been continuing to visit the local bars around Atlanta that all my friends frequent. Only this time I'm seeing these establishments with completely different view.

While being sober surrounded by drunk people, I began to realize a strange phenomenon that I have never noticed before. When females drank, they began to channel a new wisdom that they had not seemed to previously possess while sober. Now they seemed to be happy to tell their friend exactly how bad of an idea it was for them to sleep with that boy, that they should have stayed in and studied for that midterm, and how beautiful they thought their friends were, despite what anyone else might think.

At first I thought that this was just a coincidence. But no. After careful observation from multiple nights out, I began to realize that when females drink, they begin to channel the great and powerful being known as Drunkocles, Drunk Sophocles.

I decided to test this theory out, and went out one night without a single drop of alcohol in my system. After waiting a significant amount of time, I began to interview the girls I saw around, and began to ask them life advice on various topics throughout the night and recorded their answers. This is a compilation of a number of girls drunken life advice. Read and study the thoughts of our modern day philosophers. Enjoy the works of Drunkocles.

This is the second series of social experiments conducted at Emory University. After interviewing 40 females in a college bar, walking up to them and asking them, "Do you have any life advice for me?" these are their replies. All responses were recorded and transcribed verbatim. All identities will remain anonymous.

"Do you have any life advice for me...?"

1. "Love yourself as much as Kayne loves himself."

Did you get that from Pinterest?

"Yeah, but don't tell the girl interviewing me that, I want her to think I'm creative."

2. "Make sure you feel at least once a day as happy as you feel when the Domino's pizza man brings your pizza. So really f*cking happy. Be really f*cking happy.

3. “Remain f*cking calm.”

I… I’m not upset.

“Doesn’t matter. No matter what is going on, remain f*cking calm.”

4. “You need to hook up with him because you need to show him that you genuinely care about him and love him and that you… You love him so that you can fall in love and ride off into the sunset happily ever after. Go for it.”

5. “Oh why do you need life advice? Is everything okay? You…You’re too pretty to need life advice. No. I love you. I want you to know that… that I love you. And I am here for you if you need me. I know we’ve never met before, but I am here for you. I love you, I love you --what’s your name again?”

6. “Everybody just needs to accept their body for who they are and they need to love and love and love. And you need to love yourself because you have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you.”

7. “You need to love yourself because you can’t go for guys until you love yourself. And even if you don’t, even if you don’t love yourself, you have to fake it until you make it. Fake it until you make it, girl. Or get really drunk. Or you should just get really, really drunk.”

8.On seeing past hookups at Mags: “You just gotta be like 'Hey! We had sex, I sucked your cock!' You just gotta be friendly, you gotta be friends. It sucks to not have friends.”

9. Do you have any advice on schoolwork?

“I say you should f*ck schoolwork."

10. “Honestly, like, trust the boys you get along with the most who haven’t f*cked around that much. And if you really have a connection with them, you have to fight for them. You can’t let them be like, “I’m the sh*t, I’m gonna f*ck around.” Like f*ck that. You know what I mean? You know? F*ck that.”

11. “Make the most of everything. You never know when life is going to end. Everything is a lot better than you think it is. So you should embrace every moment that you have.”

12. “Be true to yourself, and those who are attracted to you will come to you.”

13. “Just follow your instincts and you’ll know what’s right.”

14. “Keep the goal that your striving for always in mind… And like, let that, like, structure your life? I don’t know. Can I take a shot?”

15. “Always take shots with random strangers at bars,” says as she hands me a shot.

*sorry I couldn't take a shot with you, but it was still a really sweet gesture!*

16. “Have at least three orgasms a week.”

17. “…can I take a tequila shot first?”

18. “Boys suck and they’re going to do whatever they can to make themselves feel better about themselves. You just need to realize that you are your own number one person and that guys suck.”

19. “You should always go for a boy who wants you as much as you want him.”

20. “The most important thing that I’ve learned at Emory is just to get over things. Nobody here is better than anybody else, learn to love whoever you love, and don’t worry about what other people think. Yeah, can I have another shot please?”

21. “Don’t go home with a boy and expect it to mean anything.”

22. “The secret to life, the philosophy of life, this is way harder than I expected, the secret to life is, the ultimate goal is happiness. And…through whichever mode you want to achieve that… that’s the ultimate goal. Happiness.”

23. “In school meet as many people as you can, because you never know what connection you make can be beneficial to your future.”

24. “Don’t f*cking waste your time doing something that you think is right, but do something that you think you’re passionate about, or something you know you're passionate about. Because honestly when you waste your sh*t, you only have one life on this earth. When you do what your parents want or what your friends want, it’s a waste of time. You will… You will excel. You will find a career that pays you a lot. Just do what your heart tells you to do. That’s the best advice I can give right now. I’m too drunk for this.”

25. “I have to vomit.”

26. “There are douchey f*ckboys and there are nice f*ckboys. Just because they’re nice doesn’t mean that they’re not a f*ckboy; it just means that they’re nice, and that they’re still f*cking other people. And just because he’s douchey, doesn’t mean he’s not a f*ckboy… oh wait. Is that… sometimes they’re actually f*cking nice but they’re still douches.

27. “Boys generally suck dick so uhh… don’t do them. If you can, orient yourself towards women instead because they are always the better option, and f*ck girls instead.”

28. “Always believe in yourself. Always follow your heart.”

29. “No matter the stress, know you can make it. And have fun when you’re young because before you know it you’ll be working 12-hour days.”

30. “I'm gonna talk about f*ckboys. No one deserves to be with a f*ckboy because they’re a**holes to you. You deserve so much better, and you will find a perfect person in the future, so don’t settle. Don't settle.”

31. “F*ck boys, f*ck boys, f*ck f*ckboys! Boys are all the same at this age. If they are 20 up to 23, disregard him. Don’t even consider him in your life. Go for guys… go for the guys who are definitively successful and studying business and in medical school. Be a golddigger. Do whatever it takes. Just get there.“

32. “The second you stop looking for the one is the minute he’ll show up.”

33. “All boys are a**holes. You just need to find the right one, though.”

34. “Make money, get turnt.”

35. “Live your life, don’t be too stressed out cause it’s all gonna work out by the end of it. I am so sure that you’re going to go places and it’s all going to work out in the end because you’re so talented and great.”

36.“Never go to Mags, people get in your way and yell at you.”

37. “Doucheboys are good kissers, but at the end of the day, kissing is fun, boys are fun, but girls are more fun.”

38. “Life advice: be the most genuine version of you that you can be, because genunity, dictionary.com tells me that isn’t a word, but I don’t give a f*ck, I feel like being genuine is the most wonderful thing a person can be. Boy advice: Feel what you do, do what you feel, and if you ain’t feeling what you’re doing, then let go.”

39. “Tualne boys are like..." *raises thumb up*

40. “Honestly, do whatever makes you happiest. Like, still respect your friends and do what makes them happy, but like, you’re the most important. You know what I mean? Like, you know?”

But don't forget the importance of drunk texts as well. Cheers to the drunk b*tches who decided to drunk text me their life advice instead of letting me interview them.

Bonus:

"Do you have any school advice for me?"

"Do you have any boy advice for me?"

"Do you have any life advice for me?"

"Any advice for dealing with f*ckboys?"

And to ensure that nobody will ever accuse me of being sexist, when I began to interview only females, I realized that there is in fact, a potential in males to contact the great being known as Drunkocles as well. So here are 10 responses from various guys at a college bar after I interviewed them. However, since the article was originally supposed to be directed towards women, I asked each of the guys the following question:

"Do you have any advice for a girl trying to hook up with a guy?"

41. “Definitely tell him what you want. Be very direct. I like that.”

42. “I would say you want to look as good as possible, without looking too slutty. You want to put on a good persona without being too annoying or too needy, but at the same time, you wanna guarantee it’s gonna be a good time for the guy. Yeah.”

43. “Act chill, you know? Be cool about it, you know, because if you act too interested in the guy, he wont be interested as he was. Because the guy is trying to act interested as well. So if the girl seems eager then the guy is like, 'Ehh, I don’t know if I want it,' but if the girl is like, very standoffish and like takes a while to responds to something or like text messages then, then… eh… then, then like that’s chill. So honestly, take time between text messages and make it like... it’s all a game. It's all a game. It’s really weird, it’s really weird, no no no, keep recording. It's really all a game. Like people don’t want to accept the fact that it is, but it is. And at the same time, everyone acknowledges that it is a game and that texting is a game.”

*Note: When sober, this gentlemen actually remarked that this is really bad advice and does not recommend.*

44. “Pursue your passions, and do not allow women to hinder you.” his friend interjects “And he said respect women.”

45. “Live your life day by day.”

46. “Just tell me you want to hook up with me, and I’ll hook up with you.”

47. "Just be yourself. There's no reason to act like anyone you're not."

48. “Well, it depends on what context you’re in. If you’re at a college bar… I would say the best way to do it… is just to go up and grab their dick.”

And I actually asked advice from two sober gentlemen.

49. Our Uber driver for the evening:

Do you have any advice for girls trying to hookup with boys?

"If you want to hook up with the boys, just go for boys, just go for it.”

What if we get rejected or if they’re f*ckboys?

“Just go for it. Just play them, get ahead of the game and play them.”

50. And finally, advice from the Almighty Mason:

Mason, do you have any advice for girls trying to hookup with boys?

“Don’t deal with boys, deal with men.”

Oh Mason, you're always so wise. This is why dozens of drunk girls cry to you every weekend.

So here it is -- 50 pieces of life advice gathered from various patrons inside of a college bar. I hope that these axioms changed your life. I hope that in 50 years, when professors are teaching the classic philosophers of modern day and age, Plato, Aristotle, Jaden Smith and Drunkocles, you can sit there and be proud that instead of studying for that midterm you have, you procrastinated and read this article instead. Go forth and use the wisdom of Drunkocles in your day-to-day life. You never know when you might need it.