Her nude back lay on the sheets with her silky smooth soft lightly-tanned skin. As her long black hair covered her breasts the curly and wavy waterfall of hair cascaded form her head her body moves with a sexy slowness as she was sleepy with the tiredness of the day. Her eyes black as coal her closed to the world as she was done with the argument and was pulling the covers up over her half-naked body to shield her from the cold. I sat of the end of the bed lost and completely alone. I have lost my best friend. Rising in my pajamas pants and sweatshirt I put on my sneakers and once glance in the mirror I realize I look like death. The rings under my eyes look as it that belong to a California Redwood and stretched just as far as Saturn's mighty rings. The rings were purple with a stickily pale purple of a roadside beet. My teeth were un-brushed and I un-showered. My breath reeked like day old fish and my body smelled of a locker room. I put on my jacket over the sweatshirt to embrace the cold.
"I just need to go." I kept repeating to myself.
The door opened and I walked through with what seemed like muscle memory. I could not hear the outside world and I walked like I was drunk and the hallway was spinning in slow motion in a dizzy haze. Each step hurt at the stay time they felt like I was not making them. It is a weird phenomenon that I quite cannot explain. The weight of the world seemed to be on my shoulders. Time seemed to be in fast-forward and rewind at the same time. What is going on? I do not understand how this is happening or how to describe it. It is almost as if I was having an otter body experience but my soul forgot to let go of my body. As if I had one leg in the grave and one not, like my body was alive and my soul was dead. Half of me is at the mercy of the supernatural forces acting on my body and soul and being tormented to complete death. I do not know how I am alive right now. The hallway seems to grow with every step and then shortens to give me hope that I can make it to the elevator in time. I stumble to the elevator doors and grab the ends of the metal trim facing the metals sliding doors the shiny almost mirror-like surface gives me the image of a broken man. I vomit into the doors and hit the bottom to open the elevator. I walk on the elevator feeling a bit better but weak in the knees and well… everything else. I hit the lobby button and lend back to the wall and rested after the trek through the hallway. It was 1am on a random Tuesday that my journey began. Standing in that elevator I had no idea what I was going to be on the other side of that door. But that's not important right now. I really tried my best but no matter how hard I try I am proven to be an unlovable loser.
The amount of sadness I carried with me onto that elevator cut like knives. I felt like I was having open-heart surgery performed by a blind serial killer. Just wild stabbing pain slicing into me cutting the very fiber of my being. My soul was bleeding along with the draggers in my heart as the spiritual blood flowed form the wounds and spilled out on the floor. Black and cold as spirits bleed crying with the anguish of my soul. The pain is far too great for me to bear. The tears were in steady supply rolling down my face and soaking my shirt and getting caught in my unwashed bread. I do not cry. Come on. Be a man. The tears continue, pussy. I am no man and I am not strong enough. I need to just go. I want to go. I have to GO.
Dear Lord let me go…
Ding the doors open and I shuffle out of the elevator doors and into the world to clear my head. But nothing with make me access this reality. I looked at the cars driving by in the street wishing one would run me over and end it. I need go, I want to go, I have to go.
Stumbling into the street knowing how I want to go. I stood there waiting as a large armored truck was making a midnight run and I drove at the wheels. Snap. I am going as the wheels flatten my skull like a grape and I was granted my pray for death as not I can be pain free. My soul enters internal bliss. HONK. The headlights sped passed me. I wondered into the road and quickly got back to the sidewalk. Darn, my death only exists in my dreams. I want to die so much. I just want to not be here anymore. I was suicidal for so long and once I got suicide off the mind it actually never left. I carry around like an old football injury. When you get injured it is terrible and there is a lot of pain and your life changes with a drop of a hat. Suddenly you are suicidal. Eventually, the injury heals and it is just a limp and then nothing. But once in while the limp comes back; every once in a while the pain with always come back. The old football injury lasts for life. Suicidal thoughts never leave.
Emotional scars never truly heal all the way. Emotional scars cut deep into the soul. Emotions runs deeper than blood. That's why I want to go. Go away and never come back. Go off this earth and never come back. It would the best thing for the world for the world if I was not on it. Why does God keep me on this earth to make me suffer? He puts me through some much, how much more can I take? I cannot take anymore. Please kill me now, Lord.
Lord, I just want to die. Please let me die.
The world is black and cold. I have no place in this world. Maybe I should get a drink. There was a local bar. As my adventure begins….
Part 2: Coming Soon…
