Do politicians exasperate you? Do you feel like you “don’t really have a dog in the fight?” Were you once a Democrat or Republican and suddenly got the nauseating sensation that your party had been hijacked? Do you have a mustache and/or a permanent grimace on your face?
Well, friend, you might be a Libertarian.
Let us take a closer look at your symptoms and see if we can’t identify the true party you belong to. Don’t worry; this shouldn’t hurt much at all.
You might be a Libertarian if--
1. You believe Capitalism is what truly makes America great—but you aren’t pro-big business.
Why? Because big business favors big government. And who are we against? You guessed it: big government.
2. You feel that the government is wasting a lot of your tax dollars by going after that kid on the corner with a joint in his hand.
Furthermore, we could take out the drug cartel (and make some pocket cash) if the government would look at this way: there are two businesses: Business A and Business B. Business A refuses to sell marijuana, even though there’s a huge market for it. Business B will happily sell marijuana, but also happens to be run by the drug cartel. So Business A finally decides “hey, maybe I should try selling marijuana.” And it does! It sells quality marijuana, makes some extra money off the consumer tax, and the consumers are so happy they ditch Business B. Business B fails because of natural selection. The drug cartel collapses. Feel free to “oooh” and “ahh.”
3. You support the Second Amendment. No. You really support the Second Amendment.
Why? Because who the hell is the government to come in your house and tell you what you can and can’t own? You have a right to protect your life and property. You also realize (like a functioning human with a brain) that banning guns won’t stop criminals from having guns. Just like banning marijuana has not stopped anyone from toking that fine green.
4. Government bailouts are on your list of pet peeves.
It’s natural selection. The failing businesses fail for a reason. Stop throwing them life jackets, and let them die off to make room for a business that can actually contribute to the economy. Wouldn’t it be nice to not be in trillions of dollars of debt for a change?
5. You agree with same sex marriage. Or you don’t.
The point is you don’t really give a damn who gets married, and think the government has bigger fish to fry than whether a man wants to marry a man or a woman. A man must do what a man has got to do. And you know, women gotta do it too. And if you’re a romantic Libertarian (like me) how dare the government get in the way of true love?!
6. You lie awake at night wondering why we’re still overseas.
Just why? Because if we’re there or not, wouldn’t the same things still be happening? Let’s face it. This isn’t our fight. Nope, don’t argue. This isn’t our fight.
7. You’re solid with the Constitution being your only contract with America.
Ah the draft. To take a jab at Southern Beale’s point on conscription: “I guess if a foreign army lands on American soil we can all just aim our personal tanks and nuclear missiles in the right direction and fire away.” That’s actually exactly what we were going to do. But seriously though, America isn’t the home of the damn sissies. The draft isn’t something we should be worried about, and we certainly shouldn’t be forcing people to go to war. Besides, that sounds just a little too tyrannical for my taste. There is also no imminent threat of world war-- unless Donald Trump gets elected. Then there might be a threat of world war. But anyway, we cross that bridge when we get there.
8. You think the best way to solve the pollution issue is by fining the polluters.
Because what better way to get someone’s attention than by making them pay a huge chunk of money? When I turned 19 I got hit with a $250 speeding ticket. When all was said and done, it rounded out to about $350 in fees (parole fees, of all things) but guess who didn’t speed anymore? Yes, it’s me. When money talks, people listen.
9. You like Ron Paul but you were kinda bummed when he ditched the Libertarian party to go mainstream politics.
You understood, but you were still bummed.
10. You are not voting third party to get one of the other party’s candidates elected, for the love of Gary Johnson, and you wish people would stop assuming that you are.
No. Your plans are so much bigger than that—because Libertarians have big dreams.
Maybe you agree with all of this. Maybe you just agree with some of this. My point, and I do have one, is that this election is primed for Americans to open their eyes and see the lovely array of parties to behold. You can be Libertarian. You can be Green Party, Constitution Party, Independent—you name it. The American political system can be your oyster. Just know where you stand, vote with your gut, and give the third party system a chance to change the world. And hey, if you’ve discovered that you might be a Libertarian, we are all very happy to have you join the club.
