Hey you,

I miss you. You're still here physically, but I miss you. I've missed you for months now, a lifetime, it seems. Things are not the same as they once were. And I know change is inevitable, but I always thought our friendship would grow instead of disappear. If you look at how things were last year and how they are now the difference is measurable, in inches, feet, yards, now miles. I miss the way we used to tell each other everything, good and bad. The way we were there for each other through everything. I miss our nicknames and the way you wouldn't call me by my actual name. I miss trying to get a good picture with you. I miss watching you dance, laughing with you, singing with you. I miss talking about boys, family, friends and everything in between. I miss the rare occasion phone calls you'd give me, and I miss your family. I miss it all, but sadly, it's all in the past. When one of us was without the other people asked, “Where's your other half?” We were inseparable. We were best friends. We were happy. And now we're strangers.

I remember a time in gym class when we were walking together. You began to cry, and when I asked you what was wrong you spoke of our friend and how you've distanced yourself from her. It's happened before, you just push people away. You said you don't mean to and you don't know why, you just lose people and you blame yourself for it. I said it's okay, it will all be okay. And I hugged you after telling you that I would never let you push me away.

We went through it all. From all of the musicals and concerts we were in, to the trips and conferences, to the sleepovers and parties, the millions of gifts and texts, the waiting in the halls to walk together for three minutes or in the lobby before we went home after school was over, to nothing at all. Your mom would call us lovebirds every time we were together. We went to each other through guy drama, family drama, friend drama. We supported each other and listened to each other. We shared our successes and failures. We loved each other unconditionally, so when did you ever decide that wasn't good enough?

I started to feel you drift away. And for every inch you moved away, I moved a foot closer. I became suffocating to you. I overwhelmed you. I was desperately trying to save a friendship, and all I did was make it worse. You got annoyed. You got apathetic. You stopped texting me and waiting for me in the hallways. You avoided talking to me, and started to ignore me altogether. It takes two in a friendship, you seem to have forgotten that. I do have mistakes, I'm willing to admit that. I don't want to play the victim, but I'm also not going to carry all of the blame. You distanced yourself for the longest time without ever telling me why. I felt this awful feeling of abandonment and I was watching us break before my very own eyes. And I held on as hard as I could until the very end.

You called me in March and told me all of the reasons why you didn't want to be my friend anymore. You cried and apologized but your tears or words could never make up for the way you shattered me. I knew it was time though, so I told you okay. You said you loved me, and then you said goodbye.

With a heavy heart I can say you taught me how to live with absence. When I laugh really hard I look around to see if you’re laughing too, even when you aren't there. In a room full of people I search for your face. And I feel broken both when I do and do not find it. But if there’s a chance you might be there, I’m excited to go, because we might share a laugh together. It will mean nothing to you, and everything to me, and that’s what I classify as a good day. Your name pops up on my phone, but it’s a message not meant for me, sent in a group chat we have to be apart of. Though I have made new friendships since your loss, I always feel like something is missing. They are the only ones I can talk to about losing my best friend. They listened every time and I love them all, but really I want to be talking to you. This is the way it is now. “Get over it,” you tell me.“Move on”, you say. Erase, delete, forget. All tasks so easy for you, but to me are weaknesses. Yeah, roll your eyes. You left me because I was sad. And how hard it was for me to be that sad, and to have my greatest source of happiness leave. You made it all worse, and caused me so much pain. You think I was toxic, unimportant, insignificant, negative. And you think removing me from your life rids you of those things? No, it made you become those things. I do not apologize for who I am. So you will just have to live with it, like you’ve taught me how to live with absence.

When people noticed we weren’t friends anymore they'd ask what had happened. And that was the hardest part. It was not a specific thing or moment I could pick out and say that's why our friendship ended. Maybe the reasoning was I wasn't good enough, or maybe too much, or maybe both at the same time. You couldn't handle it and you didn't want to deal with me. I guess I'll never receive closure. If you thought I was bad before you left, you should have seen me after. I was a wreck. Imagine losing the person you cared about most in the world. It wasn't like you had moved to another state or we had drifted apart, it was as if you had died.

And I believe that the person I miss and the person I was friends with is dead. You aren't her anymore. You lack forgiveness and compassion, understanding and consideration. You are nearly heartless, at least with me. I've gone through all the stages of grief, and that cycle just keeps repeating. The person you are now, she means nothing to me. And so I guess that you could say you are dead, you're dead to me.

You were right that day in gym class, you know. You do push people away. And I'm sorry that I had to be one of them. I guess I lied to you, I said I wouldn't let you push me. But I've tried too much. Even after all these months I still had hope that you'd reach out and that we'd reconnect. That the beautiful memories we shared would want you to make more. That you would see me and miss me. But after all these months you never reached out, you never opened up, you never missed me. I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of being the broken girl. I'm tired of crying about you. I'm tired of carrying your ghost with me everywhere I go. So for me, it's time to love myself, because you don't want my love anymore. I've been deserving of my love this whole time. I guess it took you to teach me that lesson. I found myself when you left. So I guess you got to teach me one more lesson and help me one last time before you gave it all up. Thank you for that, and for the memories. You let me go so easily. And it's time for me to do the same. It's time for me to let you go.