I like to analyze.
I take every fact and piece of information I’m presented with and dissect it until the product is unrecognizable. I’ve never had an instant fairytale moment, never waited to be kissed, or closed my eyes under mistletoe, and you can bet that if my glass slipper fell off I’d retrieve that damned shoe as quickly as possible.
I like to think of myself as spontaneous, I’m not picky about food, or strict about making plans in advance, I’m all around pretty flexible. However when it comes to my feelings I am anything but flexible. If I like someone, I tell them, if the moment presents itself I ALWAYS kiss first.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the emotional work I’ve done to create the backbone I have today. I stand up for myself, I fight for what I want, and I never compromise my values. However in the midst of all of this I think I forgot to breathe, lately it feels like I’ve been holding my breath for years. I invest myself in these deeply complicated relationships, I dedicate myself to understanding every fracture in that person's being. I let them see my flaws, I show them the rawest most unkempt parts of my soul. This level of human connect fuels me. It's almost erotic in its honesty, it allows me to stand naked in my truth. But when you get caught up in this level of emotional intimacy it's easy to become jaded, to judge as if your emotional connection is more valid because of its “dark depth.”
I realized today that that’s not all I am, that that’s not all I want to be. Sometimes it's fun to just smile and talk about movies, to listen to your butterflies and give into the gooey sensation. Sometimes you have to just enjoy the moment, you can’t over analyze it. Sometimes you have to just suck at bowling, you have laugh at your pitiful lack of skill because you're caught up in something much more important, the crystal blue of his soft eyes.
I like being young, I don’t want to rush it. Yes, last week I walked into a locker because I was staring longingly at a boy. But damn it, it rocked. Yes, the whole thing was rather pathetic, and a whole new level of 80's movie cliche for me... But the sizzling popping sensation the filled my chest like a shaken soda left me smiling through fourth period.Nothing is complicated, I’m not overthinking things. I’m just breathing through the moments, enjoying the sweet simplicities a stereotypical high school crush. Maybe he’ll never know battles I’ve survived, the flame that burns brighter than life within me, the poetry I write at 3 am, but that's ok. Even if we never go out again, its ok. Because right now, writing this, I am happy. I am giddy on the high of high school.Not every moment is apart an epic love story, and sometimes, it's the moments inbetween that mean the most in the end.It's the moments that remind you of how wonderful life is, even when it's not a fairytale.
