I decided to end my friendship with certain high school friends, and it was easier than I expected. I'm usually very sentimental, and very forgiving but I decided to give the people what they wanted: a stone cold girl. Joking. That's not really what I am. I'm still the forgiving person but after I turned eighteen I realized that enough is enough. And that meant, cutting every single person off who acted like they didn't want to be friends with me. I had to ask myself a few questions and come to a few realizations.
Was I benefiting from these friendships?
No. I wasn't at all. Maybe before I certainly was, but we both had grown out of each other. She had made two news friends that seemed to benefit who she was now than before. My next issue was the fact that while she had made these new friendships, she unconsciously kicked me to the curb. I was feeling neglected, and often I felt like she had liked them way more than me. I was getting jealous of her newfound friendships, and it was making me upset.
Were we communicating right?
No, we weren't. The first straw had been when I went straight home after senior prank day. She had written me a pretty sh*tty message and when I had responded she refused to acknowledge my response. Again, resulting in me feeling like she didn't care about what I had to say. She also made an insensitive remark about my a medical issue that I'm facing, and it made me realize that our friendship was making a wrong turn. Every time we spoke, we argued. I felt like she was insincere with her apologies, and that she could give a flying fuck about how I felt because she had new friends.
Was our friendship strong?
No. Not at all. It wasn't strong. While she were enjoying her new friends. I was sitting back wondering, was our friendship going to make it through the distance? No way. Both our insecurities about our friendship had once and for all killed it. She was doing to me what she didn't like for herself, and to me, she felt great about it. A person who wanted a friendship to work would work hard enough to repair it. And while I thought she did wanted to repair it, behind my back she had done something that she knew would make me very hurt and angry.
My birthday had rolled around, and all she did was talk about herself. And, there are some days where both of us would hog the limelight. I spent my birthday trying to plan her big day. My big day was used to plan hers. She could careless. While, it was my decision to spend my big 18th birthday with my family, I surely didn't want to spend it trying to make her day special. The next day she could've had my full attention.
Her new best friends were not my new best friends.
I took this the hardest way ever. I had to realize that while she had new best friends; they were not my best friends too. That they only truly tolerated me because I was her friend. I felt that way a lot of the time, but it only became apparent when I decided to plan an event with them after birthday.
My ex-best friend had decided to have a birthday that was $110 dollars. Crazy? Yeah, I know. And while others may say that was nothing. That was more money I ever spent on my mother, or my father, or even my sister. But the price wasn't really what got me. It was the attitude she pushed forward. The annoyance at the fact that everyone had bowed to her and accepted the price, I had said it was way too much. It was way out of my budget. I'm college freshmen, and I was working hard so I can buy things for the upcoming school year. Taking a $110 dollars out would burn a hole in my pocket. I expected each and every one of them to understand since they were college freshmen to but I guess not.
I opted out of the birthday plans as much as I hated getting left out. I decided on working hard to make up for not going by at least getting her a present she could forgive me for. Both of the girls had decided, that they would save up for her.
I decided to have a simple thirty dollar dinner, and they both had declined to say that it was too much. Why did I expect them to put forty dollars aside for me? It was because again I was blind.
She did something that made me realize that fighting for our friendship was worthless.
I truly did want our friendship to work. But, after being aware that with her new friends she was discussing me; I realized that there was no way our friendship would work. I'd do something she didn't like, and she'd screenshot me into the group chat with them so they can help put a band-aid over her ego. I wasn't having that. It hurt a lot.
It hurt a lot because that same week I had begged my boss for more hours to work so I can have extra money in my pocket to at least attend her birthday event. But, seeing the comments like 'Bitches aren't your mans' and 'how can she attend someone else's birthday event and not yours' (Meanwhile, the 'someone else's' event had only cost me $16) had cut me way deep. Seeing the screenshots of our private messages had only made things worse. Truth is, I've never ever screen shotted our messages and put in a group chat for others to discuss. I always came to her whenever I had an issue. And it was like God telling me, it's not worth it. I decided to stop arguing because I stopped caring. But uh, best friends don't screen shot each other.
She ridiculed me for being the forgiving person I was. And forgiving these girls who had really hurt me. She claimed she didn't like them, but rode to prom with them. And, that confused the shit out of me. But thanks to her and our situation I did some self-searching and realized:
We were both not benefiting from each other. We were both toxic to each other. I felt neglected and she felt like I was always arguing. Stop trying to force a friendship. I learned that I didn't have to force a friendship with them. And, I didn't have to force a friendship with her. The truth I had to face was: She did not care to be friends with me anymore. We had grown apart, and I had to let go. I had to let go of her and them. And while I was letting go, I felt lonely. But I gained several more friends who are surely going to make college and life easier and better for me. It a matter of weeks these girls felt like family.
You lose some, and you gain more. Let go of your toxic relationships. It's okay. It doesn't negate the fact that she wasn't a great friend to me at times, but it doesn't change the fact that it had turned toxic. You never know one day that friendship may rekindle, or not. But nevertheless, it shouldn't matter. Find yourself, and be who you are with friends or with none.
