About a year ago, one of my friends broke my heart. She backstabbed me in one of the worst ways possible, and for a long time I spent hours upon hours asking myself why. Why did she do it, what did I do to deserve this, why didn’t she apologize. Then, almost a year later, she did apologize. After months of nothing, the silence was broken and she said it: “I’m sorry.”

I was shocked, and didn’t have much of a reaction to this less-than-two-minute phone call, but I was very careful in choosing my next words: I can appreciate your apology, but it doesn’t change what happened. In other words, I understand you’re sorry, but I can’t forgive you.

Afterwards, I was angry. I’d spent months going over and over what happened in my head, and it took a long time for me to finally forget about it, or at least not let it control my daily thoughts, and just when I think I’m at peace, it gets forced back into my mind. Yeah, that made me angry. But after thinking about it, I realized maybe this apology was what I needed, or at least half of what I needed. I still don’t know why, but at least I know she’s sorry. There’s no way to tell if someone’s sincere or not, but just hearing the words can be some comfort.

This public article isn’t to humiliate this person, or call them out. It’s just how I feel, and I’ve always been the kind of person to share my experiences so maybe I can help other people.

Learning to accept an apology and let go of anger is really hard, especially when you know deep down you can never forgive, or forget, what they did. But holding onto anger and hatred is even worse. You can literally feel it inside your heart and stomach, it weighs you down and it’s not healthy. You have every right to be angry when someone wrongs you, especially a friend, and while there’s no set period of time you’re allowed to be upset, you should be constantly be working toward moving forward and letting it go. That’s something I had a really hard time understanding.

My friends tried to help me and I lashed out at them, because how dare they try to tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel? But looking back, I wish I’d listened because I’m not proud of who I became when I was fueled by so much anger. Maybe she did deserve the things I said but I think I destroyed myself in the process, because as cliché as it sounds, that angry, hateful person doesn’t even seem real, like it was some evil doppelganger in my place. I won’t ever apologize -- my pride is too big and I’m too stubborn, I’ll admit that, but I can honestly say I regret a lot of my actions.

When I accepted this, it was a lot easier to simply decide to not let it bother me anymore. Some things you’ll never understand, you’ll never get the answers you want. If you keep trying to find them, your mind will just keep spinning in circles and you’ll go crazy. Instead of getting revenge through anger, I decided to move on and do better. Use this experience and grow from it, become a better person. She may have hurt me more than anyone else ever did but in a way, I’m glad it happened because it was the biggest wake up call of my life. There’s a quote that reads, “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” I didn’t understand this kind of thinking until it happened to me, and I can attest to how absolutely true it is.

I used to be content with being bitter. I thought I could handle that kind of hot anger that was always inside me, but I was wrong. Even though it took a long time and a lot of maturing, I’m confident I’ll never feel that way again.

So, no, I’ll never forget what my ex-friend did to me, and I probably won’t forgive her, but what I can do is accept that it happened and the fact I may never understand. I won’t waste my time and energy wondering how sincere her apology was because if I do that, what will stop me from questioning every apology I get? The point is, things will happen to you that you can’t control, people will hurt you, you’ll get mad, but what’s important is that you find a way to move on and let go. It’s amazing what a difference it makes.