Dear You,
I have struggled with coming to this decision for a long time, nearly two years, in fact. I've actually made it before, and in those first moments, I felt better. Lighter. Freer. Happier. Happier than I had felt in a long time. But things always got complicated; you'd start being nice again, my depression would ease up on me for a little bit, we'd have a great night of laughter, games, and craziness. Then I would be right back where I was before: stuck.
Inevitably, though, something would happen, and I'd end up where I'd been a few months before, questioning our friendship. Asking myself why I was still pouring so much of my time, energy, and love into people who gave me hardly anything of themselves back. Asking myself why I continued to lay down and take this treatment even though a small part of me was screaming "YOU DESERVE BETTER." Asking my mom and my other friends if I was overreacting, only to see the sympathy and frustration in their eyes when they encouraged me to stand up for myself. Defending you, even though I was hurting, angry, confused, even though I knew it was wrong. Backing down because I hadn't been listened to before, so what was the point?
Any other time this has happened, I've shut up and waited for it to pass, waited for that moment when things seemed better and we reconnected. But I can't do it anymore. Things are different. I love myself now, more than I ever have before. I know what I deserve. I no longer have that cloud of depression hanging over me 24/7, clouding my vision and my decisions. I am not as quiet or shy. I speak up in class, I walk into social situations without feeling the overwhelming ache of anxiety. I can't write off the things that you have done and continue to do because they aren't acceptable. I am emotionally healthier and stronger and I. am. done.
I am done being walked on. I am not a doormat, I am a human being with feelings, thoughts, and opinions. I am done being manipulated. I am done feeding into drama. I am not going to be who you want me to be, I am going to be who I am, who I want to be. I am not going to give you information to spread to our other friends. I am not going to give you a window into my world so you can exploit it as a topic of conversation. I am done.
I am done caring. I am done pouring every bit of love I have into you only to get 10% of it back. There are other people in my life who deserve more of that part of me than you do and I've neglected them because I thought you'd earned it. I am done trying to get you to care. I am tired of repeating myself just for the sake of you being able to hear me over everything else. I am tired of being disappointed when you don't notice or forget. I don't need you to care because other people do. I am tired of measuring my self-worth based on your flawed system. I am done.
I am done making excuses. I tired of trying to justify your behavior to myself and to others. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if somebody wants you around, they'll show it. I am tired of being blown off or moved to the bottom of your list because of some stupid boy. I am tired of not being worth the little time that you have. I am tired of one-sided conversations, of feeling out of sync, of having to bite my tongue and deal with my problems myself because it's clear they're not important to you. I am tired of being your seventh choice, your third wheel, your silver medal. I will be someone else's first place. Hell, I will be my own first place. I don't need you to rank me. I am tired of seeing you through rose colored glasses because you're pretty great sometimes. I am done.
I am done trying. I'm not going to force a relationship that isn't healthy, that is mostly one-sided, that I don't feel important in. I am not going to try to speak when no one is listening. I am not going to always hang around just in case you decide you're going to show up or be around. I am not going to listen to you apologize and try to make amends. I am tired of your words not matching up with your actions. I am tired of putting other people on hold for you. I am tired of being everything a friend should be, continually giving my all, while you take and take and never give or change. I am done.
I am angry. I wasted so much time and energy on you. I am angry at you for taking it, for not being who I thought you were, for not deserving it. I am angry at myself for the year and a half of bloody excuses and for always running back. I am angry for not loving myself enough before to get out, to make this decision final, to let go. I'm going to have to work on that, but I'd rather spend time and energy getting over my anger than going through another round of friendship with you.
You do not deserve me. You never have. All of this love that I had for you can finally go to people who deserve it. I can finally give myself to somebody who deserves me. I hope I can be a better friend to my friends than I have been. I hope I can be a better, stronger, happier me now that I no longer have to worry about you. I am done being a part of this vicious cycle. I am done being your doormat. I am done being willing to be your last place. I am done playing this game, making excuses, and running back. This is it. This is the end. I am letting go.
Sincerely,
Moving On
