You have ruined my life. Every single day, multiple times, there are a dozen things that I could do without you. Every day, there are a dozen experiences and activities I miss out on. My entire life is colored with instances that would have been different without you.
When I was Christmas shopping, just yesterday, you held me back. Instead of asking someone for help and finding the gift I actually wanted, I left, without it, because I couldn't make myself ask someone for help. My best friend stayed with me for a few days, and I was wracked with nerves because you kept telling me that no matter what I did I was a burden and she didn't actually care about me. Today, my boyfriend made a small comment towards me, and you told me that he hated me and was angry at me, and ruined what could have been a good afternoon. Yesterday, I drove to work and knew I couldn't face coworkers and talk to them, so I left. I quit my job, because you told me that my bosses hated me and I would get fired anyway. I've ridden the bus and begged for rides with people for months even though I have a perfectly good car, because you told me that I can't get in a car, that I can't hold the wheel and I can't make it down these narrow streets. I gave up my freedom for you, I gave up my autonomy.
Every day, you are on my shoulder, you are a voice in my ear, telling me that I am too ugly and that I am too silly stupid useless lazy tired quiet inexperienced ridiculous etc. You destroyed most of the relationships I have been in because I can't imagine that someone would ever just want me for me, that they would somehow fail to see all of the flaws that are so blatantly obvious to me. You ruined my classes, because I can't speak up and I can't make deadlines because I am up until 4 in the morning panicking and never getting anything done and you tell me that if I ask for help I am cowardly, weak, stupid. You ruined my relationship with my parents because you tell me that I will never be enough for them and that they will always be ashamed of me. You've kept me from making friends because you tell me that everything I say will be stupid and no one will ever like me, so there is no reason to even try to assert myself or start a conversation or even smile at a stranger.
You have ruined me, because you color everything that I do and tell me that it is not good enough and that I won't be able to handle it. You cut me off from who I could be, from what I could do. You kept me from loving myself.
