I'll start by saying this: I've never been in an abusive relationship. I can't speak from experience, but I can discuss the knowledge I do have. I've seen abuse and I'm passionate about the subject. If I can save just one person, that's enough for me. Don't get me wrong, I understand one article won't fix an abusive situation. I do, however, believe it could open someone's eyes, even if just slightly. No matter how begrudgingly it's happening, at least it's a start.
Here's what I have to say to victims of relationship abuse:
1. You may not recognize the fact that I'm talking to you.
No one wants to identify with abuse. No one wants to admit that the person they love is hurting them. You may know deep down or you may be clueless. Either way, I implore everyone in a relationship to read this article with an open mind. Don't be afraid; my words will hold your hand. This is a letter to the victims of abuse; the problem is that so many won't know it's a letter to them.
2. Emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse.
The person who wrote the line, "sticks and stones make break my bones, but words will never hurt me," was either a fool or a liar. Your body may not be riddled with bruises and scars, but words can leave you in just as much pain. Never mind the fact that emotional abuse generally fades into physical abuse eventually, but emotional abuse, in and of itself, is incredibly detrimental to a person's well-being. Emotional abuse includes, but is not limited to; name calling, belittling you or reducing your self-worth in any way, yelling, threatening (to break up, to hurt you or to harm themselves), isolating you from your friends or family, blaming you for every argument regardless of their role in the disagreement, or telling you that you are not enough or that you have to change if you want them to stay. I'm not entirely sure what a relationship should look like, but I know what a relationship is not. A relationship is not an ultimatum; it is not a power struggle. It is not angry words or empty threats. It is not a list of things you must change or excuses as to why you are always in the wrong and they never are. A relationship can be so many things, but a relationship should not make you feel small. It is not tiptoeing around your boyfriend or girlfriend. It is not lying in fear of getting in trouble. It is not shame. It is not jealousy or rage. It is not tears or pain. It is not feeling trapped or isolated. It never is. No matter how much love you feel, a relationship cannot exist where there is any level of abuse.
3. Listen to your friends and family. They're only trying to help.
Nobody will ever understand your relationship completely, I get that. No one hears and sees everything. No one feels everything you feel. When it comes to abuse, however, it's often the people involved who sense it the least. From inside your bubble of love, all the fighting and the tears may seem worth it. You are simply fighting for your relationship. They get in your head. You love them, so you believe their words. Maybe everything is all your fault. Maybe you are worthless. Maybe they're just trying to help. Maybe you're overreacting. After all, they love you, too.
From the outside, I can see the truth. They do love you. They love you so much; they're crushing you. You can hardly breathe and in between gasps you're whispering, begging, I love you, but it's barely audible. I know you love them. I know that at one time it was thrilling, enchanting, perfect. But you are chasing a romance that no longer exists. You are fighting for something you can never get back. Romance is not stifled breathing. It is not one good day amongst many nightmares. It is not what you have- not anymore. I can see it from the outside. I know I didn't see the first time you kissed. I've never heard them shower you with compliments, but I know they have. I know some days are good, but I also know the bad days are getting worse. I am in pain for you. I want to pull you out of your bubble, so you can see what they're doing to you. You are stuck- trapped in their crippling strength, in their harsh, I'm doing this because I love you, in your own belief that you are exactly what they say you are.
You are not worthless. Listen to the other people in your life who love you. Listen to your friends and family. They are only trying to help. They are only trying to show you what you deserve.
4. You will fall in love again.
Like the rainbow after a storm of tears, you will find someone who makes all the crying worth it. They will never raise their voice at you. They will be reasonable. They will apologize when they must and forgive you when you have apologized, too. They will be humbled to be with you- proud and excited to spend every day loving you. I know that right now you don't want to picture a life without the person you love. You are afraid. You are afraid of change and afraid of losing something. You are afraid that the next person you fall for will be just as bad or worse. You stay because you don't believe there's anyone else to go to. There will be. There will be many more. Learn from who you've been with and accept them as the past you will never return to. Dive into the unknown; I promise you will not drown.
You deserve to be treated with respect. You are not broken; you are whole. You are a being of great worth. I am here for you. Your friends and family are here for you. You will be okay. Remember: You are not alone. We must all support each other because if we don't lift one another up, no one else will. For more information or to talk with a professional, visit: http://www.thehotline.org or call their number: 1-800-799-7233. I encourage anyone who feels they, a friend or a family member are experiencing abuse to reach out and get help.
