Dear My First Love,

Let me start off by saying I’ve probably written this letter to you over a thousand times by now. Whether it be in my head, in a journal, on paper or on my computer; the words in my head would linger around, desperately wanting to be written down because it made me feel more qualified to love you. Even when we were together I wrote you letters. I’ve written to you time and time again, but I promise you this is the last time I’ll ever write to you because you don’t deserve another word from me.

I tried giving you all of me. I was vulnerable, and I decided my first real love deserved my good heart because that’s what I was taught. I was taught to love with all my heart and soul, but going into the dating world without any experience made me realize that I was very naïve.

I still regret things I did and didn’t do. I regret not asking what was bothering you those last two weeks when I saw you growing more distant, but I didn’t know any better because I hadn’t done anything like this before. Ultimately, I saw you slipping away, and I regret not talking it over thoroughly with you and telling you exactly how I was feeling too. And, I didn’t realize it until now, but because of the girl who broke you before you met me, I was apprehensive of what I said and did in every aspect of our relationship. Even physical stuff, but that didn’t make me think twice about whether our relationship was worth it or not. But it all came down to that girl in your past. And sometimes I really hated that girl who hurt you. But other times I'd think if she never happened to you, we never would've met, and I wouldn't have become the person I am today.

But before going to college, I prayed for you to come into my life. Literally. I prayed for God to bring me a man who was super tall, had that “teddy bear” like build and dark hair. I prayed for a man who was family-oriented, who would care for me, respect me, trust me and treat me the way I should be treated. And boy did God get it down to the very last details and then some.

When we met, there was no doubt in my mind that you were going to be the Jack to my Rose, the Tim to my Mary, the Chip to my Joanna. With all my heart, I thought this was God saying, “Hey, I heard you. This is the right man, and you’ve waited long enough. This is it.”

Yet here I am, still waiting because I thought God had answered my prayers with that man.

You.

I thought I was crazy. Who ever dates “the one” on their first try? Very few, but those who do are extremely lucky and blessed.

But I tried so hard. I waited, just like I told you I would, even though you told me not to. I promised myself that you were worth waiting for because I had never met a man as magnificent as you, and no matter how hard or long it would take, I would wait for you to realize my worth. I thought the best period of my life would be having someone worth waiting for, but I realized it only brought me unbearable pain and sorrow.

With that being said, being disconnected from you brought me a ton of pain. My heart actually ached like it had been stabbed, twisted around and ripped out of me. Even being physically and emotionally away from you made me very, very sick. I secretly became very depressed, wallowing away hours upon hours alone in my room at college and at home just sitting in the dark and letting the thought of you eat away at me. For many, many months I would just beg God to get me through each day, only till nighttime when my thoughts haunted me the most and the act of sleeping was my pain killer because I could finally shut off my mind and stop thinking about you. Yet you still snuck into my dreams some nights, and thank the Lord I was alone because I would only engulf myself with tears.

During that terrible period, I pushed away all my friends. I didn't want to hang out, go to meetings or eat dinner with anyone because I was afraid they would ask me why I was so quiet or sad all the time. They thought I was acting that way because of something else, but it was all because of you.

I pushed away school, too. I struggled so bad that last semester, yet somehow I pulled it off and passed all my classes.

You caused me physical problems too believe it or not. I won't go into details, but it sucked because every time I looked in the mirror; I was reminded of what happened, and I'm still recovering from it to this day.

And you made me get physically sick because the idea of you with some other girl in the future made me want to vomit. And sometimes, if I thought about it enough, I almost did.

But don't think I'm angry with what you did because I'm not. I still believe wholeheartedly that you changed me for the better too. I look back at the girl I was eight months ago, and I'm shocked as to how much she's changed because of you. I didn't know I could love someone that hard. Ever. Just like I told you the last time we talked, you showed me how a girl should be treated because you were so incredibly good to me. We never fought. No one cheated. It was purely laughter, happiness and intensely falling in love. It was a really good relationship. You set the bar very, very high.

Yet it still brought me long hours of prayer every single night because I knew I needed to trust that God had a plan for you. But you challenged me. You made me question God’s plan nearly every day when I knew I shouldn't have been. I prayed that God would make you “unclick” somehow. That He would settle all the conflict in your mind, protect you, push you towards your goals and let you know that you are loved by so many people because I couldn’t do those things any longer. Ultimately, I prayed that you would become a Godly man because I knew that if you turned to the Lord and opened your heart to Him, you would find that inner peace you’ve been looking for. Believe it or not, I still pray for those things to this day.

Yet I waited for months. I waited for a call. I waited for a text. I waited to accidentally bump into you. I waited to see you driving in your car. I drove to where we first kissed nearly every week for months hoping you would be there too. I waited for you to want me again because you told me you cared about me too. I waited for that scene you would see in the movies of the man chasing the girl-- that girl he couldn’t live without—and take her back. I waited for that moment. I literally dreamed of you standing outside of my house, knocking on my door and telling me that you made a mistake and couldn’t imagine a future without me. I waited for something. Anything. But nothing happened.

During that waiting game, I broke hearts too. I told other guys who wanted to be with me that I wasn’t ready because I was waiting for you. I told them exactly what you told me, “I thought I was ready, but I’m not.” So in truth, you’ve created a mini-monster. All those guys were shocked as to how you gave up on a girl like me so easily like you did. One even said, "He really screwed up. I don't know what he was thinking."

I mean, I like to think I'm a good person, or try to be anyways. But you made me question that every single day. You made me question so many things about myself. You made me wonder if I just wasn't beautiful enough, good enough, smart enough and so much more because if I was all those things, you for sure wouldn't have given up on me so easily. You would've fought for me, and we would still be a couple.

Yet I thought God was punishing me because I did something wrong or I wasn't who I was supposed to be, but in the end it was you that made me question my worth, and I was told that I shouldn't let anyone ever do that to me, but I did. Many people have told me I have a big, kind heart because I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or make you question your worth. I just wanted to love you.

However, I thought I knew with all my heart that you were worth it. That if I prayed for this dream man to come into my life, and if God let it happen, that I would fight for that dream and keep it alive because that's what I was taught. It's what God gave me.

But I’m done waiting for that man I once knew hoping for you to change your mind. I’m done waiting for that man who told me I meant the world to him. I’m done waiting for that man who said he couldn’t wait for the future with me by his side. I’m done waiting for that man that thought we were unstoppable, who thought I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known and who told me I was his favorite person in the whole world. I’m done waiting for that man who said I was his best friend and who’s only wish was to make me happy. And I’m done waiting for that man who said he was falling for me too. Like the quote from the movie "A Cinderella Story:" “Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought; useless and disappointing.”

So I’m picking up the pieces of my heart and I’m going to put it back together to give to man more deserving of it. Someone who is ready to give their heart to me and love me like I loved you.

But while I silently cried nearly every night and desperately clung to your sweatshirt you thought I’d gotten rid of by now, it’s you I feel sorry for. I feel sorry for you because you let go of a good girl who was willing to do what ever it took to make you the happiest man alive. I’m sorry the girl before me broke you so badly that you couldn’t be ready to love me and give me what you wanted to give me. I’m sorry that traumatizing experience has made you hold back for years, and you had to break a good girl’s heart in the process of still figuring it out and finding a way to “unclick.” Yet I forgive you because if God can forgive you, I can too.

I know I’m a good person, and I know I’ll make a man happy someday. And he’ll be so blessed and appreciative of me because when he’ll look into my eyes for the first time, he’ll realize what he’s looking at and he’ll never think about giving up on me so easily like you did.

And maybe when that day comes you’ll regret what you did, but by then it’ll be too late unless God says otherwise.