Dear Daddy,

I can't come to explain our relationship simply, but I guess to put it into easier words our relationship is one that started way before I was born when you and my mom found out that she was going to have me it was quite a surprise considering that only a few months before you guys had my brother, only 8 months old and my mom was pregnant again. Of course i wasn't planned but most parents do not plan to have children.

I was born a very cold January morning 22 years ago, but our relationship or the parts I remember happened, until I was five, I remember how much my mother hated that I always wanted to follow you around, she didn't want me to sit in the garage as you worked on the car, but i couldn't help myself I was curious, at the age of eight my mother hated that instead of barbies and playing dress up I wanted to ride my bike and play sports, town boy just a little but I would rather do these things than the girly things. At the age of 13 she hated that I asked you to teach me how to kick a ball because I didn't want to be like the other girls, so of course you thought me as much about soccer as you knew.

At the age of 16 I remember watching soccer games with you no longer playing for sport or to be in a team I played for fun, but there were always the weekends when we would sit together in the living room and scream at the players on the TV of course we understood they couldn't hear us, but i cant explain to you how this simple thing put a smile on my face.I didn't have to be about whether or not we were right or wrong it was about being able to bond over something so simple, you see i am not so sure you enjoyed the fact that I enjoyed these simple things but I am guessing you settled for it because you knew that my brother didn't like these things so you settled for having someone to bond over with on these things.

When I finally stopped playing sports and I started college things got complicated and ultimately my world came tumbling down. I still remember the first time you looked at me and said " If me and your mom got divorced how would you feel," I said nothing I simply looked you in the eyes searching for truth, but i wasn't sure even then how much of that sentence was a fact. I went on wondering if it would happen, then one day it did and my life began spinning out of control. They tell you divorce isn't easy for someone who is young cause they feel anger but they never tell you the damage it cause to families in general, aside for feeling torn in half, I felt total betrayal at the idea that I believed in true love and then one day you and my mom made me question those ideas.

Of course I don't blame you for what happened I guess sometimes things fall apart without a warning, and that the scary part, I am not sure when things got so complicated I didn't notice it falling apart in front of my face, I always imagined that maybe your fights where just a thing of fatigue or in the moment feelings, never did I see deep rooted feelings of animosity.

But let me tell you were my anger was rooted, my sophomore year of college was not as i expected with all my plans falling through I was upset at the fact that one I could not afford to live on campus, and when I told you this instead of offering your help you simply ignored my pleas, almost as if punishing me for something I hadn't done I didn't understand your reason for refusing to help me when I needed you the most. I saw you so many times going into my room and telling my sister, "Oh here i wrote you a check for school," this only fueled the anger in me. At some point in my life I decided fine if you don't want to help me I don't need you.

The reason I write this is not to make you feel like a terrible father, because there are far worst fathers in this world, I simply write you to thank you, because honestly if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be the woman I am today, let me explain, you refusing to help thought me that I had to learn a lot of new things in life in order to be able to mature and become independent, I had to learn to understand what is wrong with a car and when I need to add certain liquids to it and where they go. I had to learn to work and save my money to pay for things and be responsible, I had to learn that money is not grown on trees and that you have to work very hard for what you want. I can't blame you for teaching me these things in fact I appreciate the lessons, my love for you is not minimized by the fact that I feel as if you pushed me aside.

But I do need you to understand that the pain you caused me is not one that I can easily forget, many times with tears running down my face you walked past me and ignored me, many times with hurt you added more salt to the wound by making sure you continued to express your ability to help everyone but me, I kind of hoped you would come around but you didn't instead you continued to push me away.

People will tell me that I shouldn't have expected less because I abandoned you when you and my mother where getting divorced, but that never happened i couldn't choose a side because there was no side to choose I simply tried to be the best daughter I could be to the both of you. I told you when you asked me what I would do if you guys got divorced and I told you that nothing because i wasn't the one getting divorced, you guys where I wish you would understood that. Instead you took out your anger on me,

Again I am not mad at you, I don't hate you, of course I don't how could I, you were my best friend, my coach, my soccer buddy, but I was wrong you couldn't hurt me but you did. Regardless of anything one thing is for sure you are my father and I love you.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter.