I knew you never loved me, and I knew I never loved you either. I knew I would never be her. What we were was simple, and it would never be anything more than that. Honestly, I was fine with just having a friends-with-benefits type of relationship, since it was drama free and easy. Maybe there were momentary wishes that someday things would be different, and it would be like a flashback to Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" music video from 2008. It was a symbiotic relationship; I'd bring you dunks in the morning and we'd stay in bed, mess around all day. I scratched your back and you scratched mine. But when you'd roll over to text her I'd get a funny feeling in my stomach.
It's hard to describe; it wasn't jealousy; after all I knew better than anyone else the kind of boyfriend you were. It wasn't pity, because she naively believed you couldn't possibly have eyes for anyone but her and that was her fault. There was some guilt, because I knew I would never want to be in her shoes, but mostly because I knew I deserved better than sneaking around. I tried to justify the situation by reminding myself that our friendship was genuine. We got ice cream together, you took care of me when I was sick; yet like all the other aspects of our relationship, the friendship was a secret too. In school we didn't hang out or talk, except in our AP Psych class, because being the egotistical jock you were, you didn't care what the the try hard AP kids knew about you. In the hallway, you'd lean up against a locker, looking down adoringly at her. Then you'd see me walking by and unknowingly to her, give me a sultry look over her head. It was our senior year, and the sneaking around was kind of fun. We'd leave school early when we had study last and go park in some parking lot. We had just enough time to fool around before you went back to school and saw your girlfriend before baseball practice.
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Was it weird kissing her right after you kissed me? I'd leave your house on a Saturday afternoon, only to go home and see a picture of you taking her out to dinner a few hours later. Things with us uneventfully ended after graduation, we were both busy and summer meant more time with your girlfriend (and a higher risk of getting caught with me). I also realized you weren't truly my friend, because you weren't there for me when I needed a friend. Looking back, I'm disappointed in myself for allowing you to think you had some hold over me. I was just another girl in the back seat of your car, but you were just another guy texting me in the middle of the night. You didn't mean anything to me. You were convenient, you were available in the ways I was looking for. You were temporary. I will never again be with someone like you, someone who can look a girl in the eyes and tell her you love her while you're sleeping with another girl behind her back; someone who lies easily when asked about cheating. I will never again be second best to someone else. Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great.
Not So Sincerely,
The Girl You Will Never Have
