I want to thank you.

You know what? Nearly all of the men in my life did not value me, and what I offered them. This does include you. Make no mistake. I’m not condoning what you did to me. But I am thanking you for doing it.

Because out of all of the men who took and took and took what they wanted, you respected me in a way they didn’t. Sure, none of you respected my feelings. But at the very least, you, at least you respected my body. If I said no, you know I meant no. Of course, with you I never really had to, but that’s not the point.

The point is, out of all of the guys who took something out of me, your pain is somehow lesser. Your emotional scarring on my soul is just that. Scarring. It is healed. What they took from me will never be returned. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you to love me or to miss me on some level, because who wouldn’t want that? But it’s okay that you don’t. Personally? I’ll love and miss you until the day you die, but it’s different now. It’s okay. I don’t want to spend my life with you like I did when I was eighteen years old. I want more.

I’ve realized it’s not selfish to want more. I want to love my job. I want to publish novels. I want to explore and travel the world. I want to fall in love with my best friend.

And once upon a time I did.

And I believe one day I will again.

You were there for me at the right time and you taught me invaluable lessons about how I want to be treated. Every now and again I may fall for some smooth talker, but overall I’m better off. You taught me how to see through people. How to get to the heart of the people that truly care. You also taught me how to accept when someone can’t be everything I need and to make the choice to love them anyways. To let two people function as one whole for me. You did that.

Don’t get cocky. You’re not God’s gift to earth. You ruined me. You beat down my self-esteem until I believed the only way someone could love me was if I let them be who they wanted to be without consequence. I let you cheat on her with me because I deluded myself into thinking that it was okay. That it was okay because you loved me and there wouldn’t be consequences because you loved me more. But to be fair, I let you.

We both have equal blame in the way our relationship unfolded…the way it imploded.

I truly believe we will always have a deeply seated bond that will never let our friendship die. If I passed you on the street, I’d smile and wave, as I have before. I would love to have that friendship back with you. You understood me in a way no one ever did and you loved me for it anyways. We each did, and were, things that the other did not like, but we made the choice to stick by one another regardless.

I want that again.

Not with you, but with my future husband.

I think one day we will be friends again, and I’m sure no one will ever understand it. I’m not sure if you’ll still be with her, or who I’ll be with, but I don’t think it’ll matter. I think God brought you into my life when he did to teach me a lesson. A hard one, but a valuable one. I’d like to think that lesson is learned and that your purpose has been served but I can’t honestly say that I feel that way.

I don’t think we’re done. Not even a little. I’m not like you. I won’t say, “I don’t believe we’ll never be together again unless one of us is dead.” I don’t think we will be together again because I don’t want you.

I don’t want you just like I don’t want the one before you, and I don’t want the one after you, and I don’t want every other man who has taken from me.

I want someone to give me what you couldn’t, what the one before you can’t, what the one after you couldn’t. And no matter how long I wait, I’m sure I’ll get that.

But you, you’ll just always be my best friend. On the barest, basest, simplest of levels there’s something between us that time can’t break, people can’t break, and life certainly can’t break. I could see you at seventy-two and still fall into a conversation as easily as five years ago. The difference is now I know.

I know what you’ve done for me and what you couldn’t do for me. I know what someone else will. So thank you for not being the person I spend my life with, even if you are my soulmate.