You should have been there. You should have been there the first day when I came home crying because of mean girls. You should have been there to call me the prettiest girl in the world and to tell my sister she would do amazing things. You should have been there when my world was crashing and burning to the ground. You just should have been there to see my eyes light up when I understood something new, or when I was student of the month multiple times throughout K-12.
You were supposed to be the one I ran to when a boy first broke my heart. Instead you were the first man to show me I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t deserving enough. You were there to show me I couldn’t trust the words I love you. You showed me how to fear someone’s intentions when they were being kind to me and flinch when a man raised his hand in anger.
You taught me not to trust anyone and to build up walls that even I cannot break down. Mom always told me it wasn’t my fault. That you were incapable of truly loving anyone who wasn’t the man in the mirror looking back at you. But how do you make an 8-year-old truly believe that Daddy hurts them, lies to them, and is never there for them because he is emotionally unable?
I always blamed myself. I thought if I could be better you would want to be a part of my life. When you would burn the bridges I tried to build, I would blame myself. I eventually started acting out. I only wanted your attention. I wanted the man who called me a superstar whenever you dropped me off at preschool back. I wanted to not be afraid of you anymore. I wanted your love and approval more than anything, but now? Now you can forget it.
Now I know it is not my fault that you are unable to love me as your daughter. It hurt that you were not there for my soccer tournaments, volleyball matches, gymnastics and track meets. It hurt that you were not there for my graduation, but when I attended my brothers a week later you acted as if you had always been there for me. Asking for family pictures and all. You should have been there when I walked across the stage and received my diploma. You should have been there to see me off to college or to help me decide where I wanted to go. But you weren’t.
Instead of you being there to show me what I should look for in a husband, you showed me everything I will avoid. You didn’t teach me how to ride my first bike, how to drive, and you most definitely weren't there to get on me about grades. You weren't there when I first decided I wanted to go on a mission trip to another country. You weren't there to ask about how my first day of work was, or to congratulate me when I sold over $1,000 of merchandise in one day. You weren't there to shake hands with teachers at parent teacher conferences, or when I was in the hospital getting stiches. But you were always there to constantly remind me that it was mom's fault that you weren't around. She divorced you, but that didn't mean you had to divorce my siblings and I.
You didn't get to see your baby girl grow up into who I am today. You didn't see my awkward middle school phase, or my I am a brand new college student running around with her head cut off phase. You aren't here, but my siblings are. You aren't here, but I have Grandma and Grandpa. You aren't here, but I have Mom and Jason rooting for me from the sidelines. You aren't here, but I know I am worth it. I deserve to have a father, just not one like you. You aren't here, but I am the happiest and most accomplished I have ever been before. You aren't here and I sometimes thank God that he took you from my life and showed me how a girl can thrive without her biological Father.
