*As a small disclaimer before we start this piece of mine, I do not plan on being the girl who writes about love, heartbreak, and the silly things boys or girls decide to do with my heart or the hearts of those I know and love; This week it just felt like this was something that had to be said.
Dear Fellow Twisted Sister,
I can't sit here and tell you all I've given up on the ideologies of love. I refuse to abandon the phrases from the movies and the love songs that I've loved my whole life, I don't believe love isn't something that exists out there. I have watched too many Disney princess movies to completely etch a "happy ever after" out of my future. There are far too many examples of love throughout our everyday lives, on our Facebook feeds (seriously, how many people got engaged this Christmas?) on the street, in the mall, love is everywhere. Walk through an airport baggage claim and you'll see all different kinds of love, families hugging goodbye, spouses reuniting, and faces of those just relieved to be in the home they love. I have the pleasure of watching several of my closest friends be in love and fall a little bit harder every day, it was in one of those moments where I realized how much my thoughts on love- how much I had changed.
On a rainy Monday afternoon I found myself sitting in my friend's car as she turned to me giddy reading a text from her boyfriend (trust me when I tell you, they are actual couple goals or whatever) and after she read it to me I actually outright cringed at something that would've melted my heart a year and a half ago. This isn't the first time I've laughed uncomfortably, shied away from this topic, or quite possibly outright have said: "That makes me so uncomfortable." This said friend turned to me, in a joking manner, and said: "Girl, you've got some commitment intimacy issues." This was the first time someone had actually called me out on how I've changed. With my self-presented title of "Queen Overthinker" her statement sat with me, she had a point.
Personal growth wise the last year and a half have been incredibly crucial to the young adult I've become and I don't think that if some of the things my heart has been put through I'd be the lady that I am now. Constant cycles of inconsistency, instability, empty promises, and watching something you thought was bound to be one of the most beautiful things you could've ever been a part of fall apart, well, it's hard to bounce back. ( I realize how dramatic this sounds but it's really how it felt) I couldn't help but sit back and question if it was all on me, maybe I'd filled myself up with these ideas because of the songs, because of the movies, and because of the books. I sat back listening to sad music and spoon fed myself all the words I was positive he surely meant to say. I remember him clearly whispering to me in a drunken stupor that he was terrified of ruining me, I remember scoffing and reminding him that I'd never let a person ruin me, then he did, just a little bit. I found comfort in sadness and a random hook up here and there. It was a dark time for me, I realize it's not just me anymore, it may not have been his intention to hurt me how he did, but he did. I can't blame myself for the mistakes he made, it's not my fault for how he treated me but, it is my fault for staying around for it.
The residual damage isn't catatonic to me or my love life. I will never be the girl who hisses and complains about the couple kissing in the mall. I refuse to be the girl who can't be happy for her best friend's new relationship simply because I am hurt or alone. I have found fences and towers with guards around my heart, I can see the barbed wire at top of these fences, they scare me at how well they've worked. I'm shocked at the way I now find myself shying away from one thing I always searched for- commitment. I am afraid that I've gotten so good at being alone, so happy in my routine, I find myself canceling first dates. I find myself ignoring text messages and cringing when I open a "Good Morning Beautiful" text. I know these are things I deserve but what is it going to lead to? More inconsistency and empty promises? That's just not a bet I'm willing to make. I find myself being grateful for the fences and the guards that showed up when he left. I find comfort knowing these invisible things are there to protect me. I'm thankful for the hurt.
I look forward to the day when I meet someone who inches forward slowly with their bulldozer to knock down my fences and send the guards away. I look forward to the right good morning text and the first date I don't cancel. I'm thankful I've become a challenge and that my boyfriend is my job. I look forward to the article I'll write when I meet him. As an avid Taylor Swift fan, I look forward to singing her songs in my room with gusto and mean the lyrics I'll belt out after the first date that was worth my guards taking a night off. I feel this phase of my life won't be a long one, but it appears to be crucial to many of the women I know.
To those who find themselves swept up in their sadness, in the middle of blaming themselves for it not working, it's a long haul. You will come out of it a champion. I'm too young to feel this way forever and I may not be the end all be all of relationship advice or the Dalai Lama of heartache but I hope this story helped the cynical and the heartbroken find solace in their current mindset.
Love Always,
The Forever a Little Twisted Sister.
