I’ve thought long and hard if I wanted to say anything to you. I’ve thought about whether you deserve my time and effort into what I write. I’ve thought about what kind of impression it would give off to other people. But then I realized, I didn’t care what people thought, I was going to write about you eventually.
It’s been a long time now, more than a year. So much has happened between then and now. I still sink when I think of picking up the phone to hear your shaky voice telling me the one thing I never wanted to hear. I remember the time you looked at me and broke me apart with your cruel words. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” You think I don’t think about it, but you’re wrong, you don’t ever forget something like that.
But I’ve been thinking…
I want you to know, all my hatred, all my anger, all my actions from our ending point on, it’s not personal. Maybe one day you’ll understand. Maybe one day when you see the one person you’ve let your guard down for walk away from you, you’ll get it. Maybe when the person you decide to love, and the person who doesn’t love you back are the same, you’ll know. Maybe you’ll get why you can’t just be friends with someone you feel so much for. Maybe you’ll finally understand my side of things. To give so much to someone for nothing, it’s detrimental. It’s not fair. It’s not your fault I wasn’t the person for you, and I don’t blame you; but what I’ve always wanted to say is, it’s not mine either.
I can’t choose what’s worse: breaking someone’s heart, or getting your own heart broken. I guess they both suck, huh? I know so much has changed, and maybe I have no right even resurfacing an old story. I can’t pretend it’s not weird though. Having known someone your whole life, and then boom nothing. I know I’m partially to blame, and I know neither of us has helped our situation, but it will never not be weird. You were my best friend, and now you don’t know a single thing about my life.
When you broke up with me, I thought my world would come crashing down. It didn’t. The sun still rose the next morning. The days came and went. I moved on, I got over it. Last time we spoke, you told me to “get over it already,” I want you to know I have. I don’t constantly think about you or what you’re doing, or if you’re happy. I don’t try to steal your attention or try to make you miss me. I moved on because you wanted me to; because you asked me to do that.
After you did numerous things to me, many which were unforgivable, I realized I was still giving my thoughts and emotions to someone who truthfully didn’t deserve them. I wasted so much time being angry, and hurt, and for what? For someone who was dancing and smiling, someone who had gotten over the situation I was stuck on. Your lack of sadness drove me to move on, and although I wish you went about it in a different way, I thank you for it.
Life is weird, I get that. I get that there are two sides to everything, and maybe the stories we tell to other people have a little bit of a different twist, maybe a different interpretation of events. I get not everything is perfect, and that people drift apart for no reason. I get life throws in obstacles that not everyone overcomes, and sometimes there’s really no explanation. Things don’t work out. Sometimes we make promises we can’t keep, and sometime’s doing what’s best for yourself isn’t whats best for someone else. I get it. You never thought I did, but I do.
I’ve never lost touch of the person you used to be. I still love that boy. I still wish the best for him, and even if I don’t vocalize it, I’m always, always rooting for his success. You’re different now, and who you are is someone I don’t know. Someone I don’t see, or talk to, someone who isn’t in my life. And that’s okay with me.
I know you’ve changed, but so have I.
I'm stronger than you left me. I'm happier than the last time you saw me, and the life I'm living is a life I love. A life that does not require the presence of someone else to make it lovable.
r.m. drake once wrote “One day, you will realize how some people are not meant to be yours. One day, you will have to move on, and sometimes the most important thing to do in the world, is to let go.”
You not wanting me began a journey of me finally wanting myself, and for that, I thank you.
