You were the last person I wanted to get involved with. I turned you away so many times before. I don’t know why this time was different. I was tempted. Tempted by your easy-flowing words. Tempted with the thoughts in my head of what could be. Tempted by how natural it felt. Tempted by the idea that I could change you. Tempted by the lie I told myself: maybe you weren’t that bad after all. What started out so casual, so friendly, so innocent, twisted and turned into something dangerous.
I should’ve listened. Listened to what they said about you. Listened to all the times you subconsciously warned me. Listened to everyone telling me it was a bad idea. Listened to my heart every time it told me to turn the other way and run as fast as I could. But, of course, being the person I am, I had to take the chance. I couldn’t pass up the chance to see if you were “the one”. I couldn’t pass up the chance to see if I could make a difference – change your life for the better. Be your saving grace.
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Thoughts such as:
“I can show him so much more than what he’s had before.”
“I can show him how easy love can be.”
“I can show him what he’s been missing, what being with a good girl is like.” constantly filled my head.
I was relentlessly defending your character and ignoring all the nasty slander about you being thrown around so casually by others. I saw the good in you and I held onto it so tight. I never wanted to think I was too good. Everyone deserves love, good or not. I believed in you when it seemed that no one else did. I was there for you when it seemed that no one else was. Did you not see that?
You brought me down from the best point of my life to the lowest. I was so happy, healthy, genuinely kind, so confident, so driven and focused. You changed me into someone I didn’t like. I was toxic to myself. I was losing sleep, harsh to the people I cared about the most, constantly emotional, not attentive in school and my confidence was faltering. I was persistently praying for guidance, for certain knowledge that this was the path I was supposed to be on because it sure as hell didn’t feel like it. You know what was so bad about all of this – the fact that I started wondering what was wrong with me. Why I wasn’t good enough to have everything I wanted with you. I should’ve walked away then.
You pushed away and I pulled even harder to get you back. That’s exactly what you wanted: the moment you didn’t have to work for me anymore. You had me in the palm of your hand. I was going out of my way to do anything I could to keep you around. It’s my downfall. I always care too much.
I knew the whole time this wasn’t something you wanted. You didn’t want something serious. You wanted to go out and be who you were and do what you do best without anyone holding you back. I held onto the hope that maybe as more time passed and the more you got to know me, maybe there was a chance you’d fall too.
Now that I know the truth, I know you used me as a distraction, something to pass the time. A stop along the way. I know that your heart was longing for someone else, someone I just couldn’t replace.
I can’t say it was a waste of time taking a chance on you or that I regret any of it. Everything happens for a reason and I still believe there was a purpose for me being led to you, whatever it may have been. I wish you could’ve seen the real me instead of some of the worst sides of me – the broken, insecure, needy girl. I still believe there’s so much good in you waiting to come out. I hope you know, being the person I am I’ll always be here for you, just in a different way then I was before. I wish you the best.
