Those who know me know that I am a big sister. Whenever someone asks me if I have siblings, I always respond, "Yes, I have two younger brothers." But those who really know me know that one of my brothers will never age. That's because my youngest brother died when I was just six years old.

Dear Noah,

Some people tell me that you don't count because you died in the womb days before our mother's due date. I've even had a family friend (well... not anymore) say that I only have one brother and that's sad but that's the way it is. But it's not. You live on in our hearts, in heaven, and on our mantel.

I don't remember much of my childhood. Is it because you died just months after I turned six? Maybe. Or maybe I just didn't do much worth remembering in my early years. We'll never know. One of my most vivid memories, however, was the day I found out I wasn't going to be a big sister again. I got off the school bus in early December and my mom's car was in the driveway. Call it a gut-feeling or sixth sense but I knew something was wrong. Nonetheless, I ran inside, excited to see my mom immediately after school instead of waiting a few hours to tell her about school. When I burst in the front door, I was immediately greeted with friends and family and saw my mom sitting in the corner, her eyes bloodshot. "The baby's dead," she sobbed, looking at me. Immediately, I crawled behind the couch so that no one would see me cry.

A few months after your service, our parents talked vaguely about fostering children, but Mom was too worried I wouldn't take well to having an older sibling in the house and soon dismissed the idea. It was official; I wasn't going to be a big sister again.

In writing this letter, I have a lot of mixed feelings. It feels good that I'm not alone in holding this somewhat secret anymore, but I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I just want to do my baby brother justice.

We're approaching your thirteenth birthday. I have so many questions about who you would be. Would you be a beast on the fifty yard line like your older brother or be more creative like your big sister? Would you raise hell or would you be a sweet little angel? Unfortunately, we'll never know.

What we do know is that even if you never took a breath, you captured all of our hearts. I can't wait to meet you in heaven, little guy. I hope you're being spoiled by Great Aunt Grace and our second cousin, Jamie. Please know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and how much different my life would have been with you.

With love,

Your Big Sister