For days I have put off writing this article because I know it would be painful, because I know it would be truthful. I know that it is something I need to hear now, maybe tomorrow or the next day. Something I needed to hear yesterday and the weeks before that. Something I need to remind myself:
You have always been a perfectionist, ever since you were a child and participated in gymnastics. Over and over again you would cartwheel until your legs went perfectly above your head and you landed without hopping. You would cartwheel until your head spun and you had to lay on your back for a few moments as the world readjusted itself.
In high school, you recognized the power of expectation, whether it be the expectation from your teachers to succeed, your parents, or yourself to always do well. As a child you could make those people proud, but high school was much more competitive and draining. Sure, you knew you had the smarts to do well, but you began to find that just being around people made you exceptionally tired. Tired to the point that you would get home and sleep for the rest of the day. Tired to the extent that some mornings, a lot of mornings, you couldn't get up at all. The more you missed school, the more you saw disappointment on your teacher's faces as you went to makeup an exam; the more you cried at night when receiving a B- or C. Soon, for a short while you resigned yourself to "The Valley", although you never fit in here, you could make it work somehow, right?
One day, your mother brought you to a college fair and suddenly all you could dream of was college. Campuses literally appeared to you in sleep; whimsical cities that you still don't know the existence of. After a steady burnout of about three years, you could feel the beginnings of a fire rekindling in your heart and you realized this was your only escape. If you didn't leave this place now, you didn't think you would ever have the guts to leave again. In your senior year you worked endlessly and received almost straight A's by the end of year, and then, you anxiously applied to schools in Nashville, Tennessee-- 14 hours away, the furthest your mother would let you go.
In February, or perhaps March, you were accepted into college.
For years in high school you told yourself that it was okay to fly under the radar as an unremarkable person, to instead let the exceptional people shine. You managed to stay right above 'failure' status, but barely at times. Today you still tell yourself sometimes that it is okay for you to be unexceptional-- but that isn't okay. Not now, not ever. You deserve to shine and be recognized, even if it is only you recognizing how strong you are.
For months you have been researching grad schools, getting a portfolio ready-- a writing portfolio, where your creativity gets judged. For months you have worried and had nightmares, because you realize that only about 18 people get into the programs you are applying for. For weeks you have called or messaged friends when your mind falls to shambles because you tell yourself, 'My work is nothing special'.
I know, more than anyone, how many 4 a.m. nights you have had as you write, rewrite, and rewrite again poems and stories. I know how many tears have been shed over the keyboard or into the pillow as you try to force yourself into unconsciousness. I know that you fear if you don't get into one of these schools you will be a failure. At the end of the day, if you don't make it into grad school, that's okay. You are not alone in any of this. You have a supportive family, friends that are always just a text away, and so, so many people rooting for you.You are just as exceptional as you have always been, amazing in ways that you don't even recognize.
How many people have the courage to sit at a computer and write their soul onto a screen and submit it to magazine to be torn apart?
In about two weeks you will be sending a conglomeration of soul babies to schools abroad. If you are denied, just remember that you are not stuck in this place; you are a woman who can never be trapped anywhere. You are a writer and a photographer that puts her being into every word, every image. You are going to shine, you already do.
