For those of you who don’t know who Jeanie was, I don’t know if I can ever fully explain her to you but I will try. Jeanie was my neighbor when I was growing up, but she was so much more than a neighbor to my mom and me. She meant the world to me. When I was a little kid she was my best friend, my adventure teammate and my partner in crime. This beautiful, amazing and kind hearted soul just dealt with one of the toughest battles. Just over my winter break, we got a call that her cancer came back. Doctors weren’t sure how long she truly had. Nothing in this world could have prepared me for going through this and dealing with losing her. I apologize for this article maybe not being as relatable as my others or anything else, but sometimes as artists and authors, we need to write things as our own therapy. I don’t ask for pity and I don’t ask for all the comments saying “I am so sorry for your loss.” I hope that by me writing about this struggle someone else can benefit from it. I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe it will help if we truly talk about grief and heartbreak in a personal way. I am opening up my heart in this letter in hopes that someone else hurting will know that they are not alone.

Dear Jeanie,

Oh, my Jeanie it breaks my heart to see you hurting. You meant and mean so much to me I can’t put it into words. You helped my mom and I, in every way you could, but I think that in the end, we all helped each other. You helped my mom when she didn’t think she could carry on any longer. You helped me avoid the tough situations that sometimes happened at home. And in return you gained two daughters in my mom and I. I was your Mollie and you were my Jeanie. Of all of the names you could have I don’t think any of them could fit you better. A lot like the synonym genie, you too granted wishes. You made my Halloween costumes all through my younger years, you made my thoughts into adventures and you helped my imagination stay wild. With our imaginations, we went on safaris through a central Illinois back yard, we went on picnics everywhere in the world, and we turned a back porch into a princess.

I think a lot of my creativity is all thanks to you. You are probably the most creative person I know. You made little things into the most beautiful creations. You turned the gummy fishing bait in the driveway into treasures and you would walk me up and down the driveway “treasure hunting”. You used to spend hours with me just drawing and making paper dolls. You bought me my first mini sewing machine and taught me how to make clothes for my American Girl Doll. We made my Halloween costumes together every year and you never once turned down my creative crazy ideas. You helped my mom and I stay happy and positive. Jeanie, you taught us that lemon fluff can fill the cracks of a broken heart, there is nothing that a good picnic can’t help, and always make sure you bring snacks. Thank you for igniting my creativity as it helped shape my major in college now.

Even when I came to visit you in the hospital you still worried about the rest of us before yourself. We asked if you needed anything and you asked if we could get M&M’s for Roger. At that point, I would have done anything I could for you just to see you smile. I ran to every store in that hospital to find M&M’s and bought them out of them. I remember your face when you saw the art I brought you. I never could let you stay in a cold white room! You needed a splash of color in there. I promise that whatever happens to those paintings I will make sure that the butterfly one is hung exactly the way you like it.

This last time coming to see you was the hardest. I don’t know what it was but part of me knew it was going to be a big painful goodbye. Mom was right, though, it wasn’t a goodbye. It was a see you later. In all of this, I know that you will always be with me. I walked into that building holding my head high like you’d want me to but my heart was sinking to the ground. I felt you squeeze my hand. I know you heard me talk to you that whole time. It broke my heart to see you fighting so hard yesterday. Jeanie, I know you heard me tell you about everything in college. I can’t wait to go to Dublin like I was telling you, and I expect you to be there with me guiding me along my way. I am so beyond lucky to have known you. As I walked in your room yesterday I was introduced as “the Mollie that Jeanie always talked about. This is ‘her Mollie’”. You will never know what that meant to me. They told me that I was always talked about as your baby. I couldn’t be happier to hear that.

Jeanie, you will never know what you mean to my mom and I. For my mom, you were the rock that kept her sane. All the times you would come help when I just wouldn’t stop screaming and crying long enough for my mom to get me to clamp down on a bottle. You came over to give my mom the time she needed for herself sometimes to just relax. She was raising me on her own basically from day one but with you there she was never alone. Thank you for all the times you helped us through some of the darkest moments of our lives. I just wish that we could help you now in this dark time. The world truly will be a darker place without your golden soul to shine in it. That weather yesterday was beautiful. Can’t beat 60-degree weather in January. I know you had something to do with the sunset last night. You always loved looking at the sky. We used to find shapes in clouds and appreciate the streaks of color in the sunsets. Yesterday as I sat by you holding your hand I made a joke about the beautiful blue and green tie-dye t-shirt you were wearing. I said “Jeanie I love the tie-dye. Reminds me of all the tie-dye I used to wear. I know you want to be like me when you grow up obviously.” Simultaneously I thought to myself that what I actually meant was that I want to be like you when I grow up. If I could be half the woman you are I would be happy. You lived life so happily. You care so much about everyone. I don’t know anyone with a bigger heart than you. I hope that in the end, I can still feel you with me. I hope that you are with me in all of the successes and low points of my life. When I walk across the stage at graduation I hope you can see me because I will look up to the sky to look at you. When I get married one day I hope you are there too, walking by me down the aisle. When I have a baby one day I hope that you are there to help give me the wisdom I need in order to calm my crying child the way you used to calm me. In all of this, it is so hard to see you go but it gives me great comfort in knowing that it will be okay and that I know if you can, you will be my guardian angel. I know that in the end, I will have the best guardian angel ever.

I love you forever and I know I will see you again someday. Rest in paradise my Jeanie.

Love,

Your Mollie.

It is with a heavy heart that I say that heaven gained a beautiful angel on January 24th, 2016 at 4:45 pm. My heart breaks knowing this world is without her beautiful soul but it gives me great peace to know that she is with me today and every day from here on out.