Dear Charles,

Months have passed since I ran my hand through your thick, nappy fur and felt your warm breath on my face. To say that I’m still sad is an understatement; I’m still heartbroken. The sympathy cards and Facebook messages told me it would get better with time, but it still hurts to not have you here on this earth with me. You were my gift, my precious boy. You protected me when I came home on the bus from middle school; you were there to greet me when I finally opened the door after the long road trip home from college. Coming through the door this past week was like a sharp, lonely shot to the chest. The worst part of it all is the guilt I feel. I’m sorry for not spending more time with you, for not throwing the Frisbee to you more, for not taking you for walks on the trail more often. I hope you know just how much you meant to me; you were my best friend.

I miss your personality most of all. I know sometimes I might have been mean and called you the weirdest dog on the planet, but your personality is what made you, you. I miss how you use to paw at people to get their attention or to keep them petting you. I miss how you annoyingly never played fetch the right way. I miss how you use to bark at my ex-boyfriend when he tried to show me any affection, and I even miss how you use to stare me down while I ate food in front of you. Sitting and eating at the table will never be the same again. You were the weirdest, cutest, most loving thing in my life.

No dog that I ever have in the future will replace you in any way. I have to confess something to you: I went to Petco the other Saturday during the dog adoptions. I felt awful afterward because every fur buddy there reminded me of you and made me miss you even more. I’m not sure when I’ll ever be able to have another dog, because they won’t even compare to you. This may sound weird, but sometimes when I’m sad, I pretend to pet an invisible you next to me. I know you aren’t really there, but I can’t shake the feeling that wherever you are, you feel my hand in your fur.

Someone gave us a card that says when dogs pass away, they go to the rainbow bridge and wait until they are reunited with their owners again. In my head, I know that where you are looks a little different. I picture you by the lake my grandparents to go to in Canada, running around and playing with my dogs Flash and Alex and being petted by my grandparents next to the water. I can’t wait until the day you look up and see me walking toward you with tears in my eyes, anxious to greet you and give you belly rubs.

My life will never be the same without you; I just have to remind myself that wherever you are, you are just as happy as you were when you were here on earth with us. I want you to know that you were one of the best things in my life. You had four legs and fur, but you were my best friend. I wish I had magical powers and could have taken your sickness away, but I couldn’t, and for that I’m sorry. I miss you every day, and you’ll always be my puppy.