An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder | The Odyssey Online
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An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

You made me hate even the things I have loved.

Emily Lauck
May 31, 2016
Kutztown University
96
An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

Dear ED,

You did not discriminate. You didn't care about my hair color or that I came from a broken family. You didn't care if my waist was 20 inches or 34 inches. You didn't care that I smiled all the time. You took so much away from me. It was like I was in constant hiding while you were around. The lies that you fed me were so reassuring. Do you remember when we met? I was 15 and I was staring at my body in a mirror in the bathroom. I hated what I saw so you put your arm around me. You trained me and told me it would all be okay if I followed your demands. A 2000 calorie diet made its way down to a 250 calorie diet. I was scared of most foods and my only safe foods were made up of fruits. If I went over my calorie limit you made me hunch over a toilet and send it all back up. I would throw up until I was dizzy and weak. You made me weak.

Now that I am 19 and choose recovery almost every day, I want to hate you. I want to hate you for making me weak. I want to hate you for the damage you have done to my family, friends, and my body. I want to hate you for making me believe that I wasn't worth anything. I want to hate you for helping me hate my body. You made me lie to everyone I came into contact with.

The truth is, I don't hate you. You have made me realize that I do not need anyone's approval but my own. I have become such a strong person for choosing to recover. I am brave for sending you on your way. Even when you try to creep back in my life, even when you convince me that I need you again, I know my worth is not put into that number on the scale. You do not define me anymore. You are not needed anymore. I am learning to be content with all the beautiful pieces of my body.I am learning to love myself. Every day is a day I have to choose recovery. There are times im still afraid of some food. But i am okay. I am okay without you.

Sincerely yours,

The girl who is learning to love herself without you

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