Dear ED,
You did not discriminate. You didn't care about my hair color or that I came from a broken family. You didn't care if my waist was 20 inches or 34 inches. You didn't care that I smiled all the time. You took so much away from me. It was like I was in constant hiding while you were around. The lies that you fed me were so reassuring. Do you remember when we met? I was 15 and I was staring at my body in a mirror in the bathroom. I hated what I saw so you put your arm around me. You trained me and told me it would all be okay if I followed your demands. A 2000 calorie diet made its way down to a 250 calorie diet. I was scared of most foods and my only safe foods were made up of fruits. If I went over my calorie limit you made me hunch over a toilet and send it all back up. I would throw up until I was dizzy and weak. You made me weak.
Now that I am 19 and choose recovery almost every day, I want to hate you. I want to hate you for making me weak. I want to hate you for the damage you have done to my family, friends, and my body. I want to hate you for making me believe that I wasn't worth anything. I want to hate you for helping me hate my body. You made me lie to everyone I came into contact with.
The truth is, I don't hate you. You have made me realize that I do not need anyone's approval but my own. I have become such a strong person for choosing to recover. I am brave for sending you on your way. Even when you try to creep back in my life, even when you convince me that I need you again, I know my worth is not put into that number on the scale. You do not define me anymore. You are not needed anymore. I am learning to be content with all the beautiful pieces of my body.I am learning to love myself. Every day is a day I have to choose recovery. There are times im still afraid of some food. But i am okay. I am okay without you.
Sincerely yours,
The girl who is learning to love herself without you
