Addiction and love intertwine in a way that is almost dangerous. Much like being addicted to pills or heroin, a person can become addicted to another person. That being said, I'd like to point out that when a person is addicted to a drug, it isn't always solely on the chemical in the drug. The person gets into a routine. They start their day and do the same thing every day. They form the habit of using and when they try to quit, they lack the ability to fill in the spaces with other activities, thus sending them back into the routine of using. Personally, I'm able to compare it to smoking. I'm not solely feeding my nicotine addiction - I fell into the habit of it. Holding the cigarette and watching each puff of smoke as I exhale; it's almost calming.

The same goes for love. When a person falls in love with another, they fall into a routine. Whether it be waking up and immediately texting them or rolling over and kissing them good morning. They itch to talk to or feel the touch of their person and once they speak to or touch them, it's calming. Of course, there are still chemicals involved. Examples are serotonin, adrenaline, and dopamine. They may be natural chemicals in your brain, however, they can be more powerful and addictive than any artificial drug.

When the person loses their person, whether it be from death, divorce, or relocating, the person will go through withdrawal. They will sit up all night, crying in agony, wishing their person would come back to them. They will go throughout their day, trying to create a new routine to distract themselves from what is and what isn't. Their body will ache and they will lose sleep; much like a person detoxing from a drug. Often, though, no matter how many times they may remind themselves how toxic or how potent the drug is, they go crawling back... Using again, simply because they miss the routine.

It took me a long time to realize all of this and that it wasn't worth it anymore. Me picking up my phone to beg you to forgive me for something I didn't do was equivalent to a user in recovery picking up their needle. You were a potent drug and the withdrawal was agonizing. However, I managed to find myself a new routine and a new outlet. I found myself realizing that I was no better than the addict relapsing over and over. I, myself, was relapsing every time I went back to you or every time I picked up a cigarette.

I am proud to say I am two years sober. That is two years free of you. Two years where I don't have to wake up and fear that you may leave me. Two years that I have spent out with my friends or spending time with my family... Rather than isolated because you're uncomfortable with the way I associate with other people. Your jealousy was poisoning me. I truly believed everything you got mad about was something I did. It has been two years since my body shook and ached because of you; and six months since I cried over you.

Sometimes I have relapsing tendencies. I'll find myself daydreaming about what could or would have been. I find myself wondering where you are and who that poor girl was; the one that was hanging off of your arm, terrified of letting go... As if she let go, you'd somehow slip away. The way I held on to you. To us. I held on so tight to you, I let go of myself. Funny how that works.

This letter turned out to be less of a letter to you than it is a reminder to me how well off I am without you. I find it rather humorous because I did mention above that people continue to go back to the drugs they do, no matter how toxic it is to their body. As well as missing the routine. I guess that means I was right about that. I am two years sober of you and four months cigarette free, however, I still have to remind myself that you, people like you, and cigarettes are no good for me.