I thought about whether I really wanted to write this for a very long time. I hate to drag up things that are long past, but I think the hurt that I felt will never really go away, regardless of how many times I tell people about it. I wish I could say there's only one of you. I really wish I could say this didn't happen to me multiple times and that I didn't continue to believe things could be different. Unfortunately, I try to see the good in everyone - even when they don't deserve it.
I just want to honestly thank you. I know you probably didn't think that's where this would lead, but in the last year, I've just become so tired of being angry all the time. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve so much better. Thank you for making me realize that the man I love laughing in my face while I'm sobbing and begging him to explain how he could hurt me the way he did is NOT a stable or healthy relationship. Thank you for forcing me to understand that sometimes the love you feel for someone isn't enough. Thank you for teaching me that even if someone promises a million times they won't hurt you - they still might in a moment of anger and irrationality. This article isn't meant to call you out, although I'm sure there will be several people who think I'm only writing this to stir up drama. I can assure you, I'm writing this for ME, not for you. My closure and healing is long over-due for this.
Anytime someone asks me about my previous relationships, I honestly dread having to dig up all the emotions and memories that you caused me. It wasn't fair for you to beg me to stay - to shame me for feeling upset or make yourself look like the victim. I will never tell anyone at anytime that I felt anything but love for you because I honestly would have gone to the end of the earth to make you happy - but it wasn't enough. At some point, I began to ask myself if there was something wrong with me. I began to wonder if I was the problem - if I was making the man I love look for something more, something better.
For a while, I honestly believed that I was the problem. I found that pretending to hate the people who hurt me was the only way to not think about how I actually felt - hurt. I never stopped to tell myself that I wasn't the problem and it wasn't my fault. Just in the last year have I realized I shouldn't have to tell myself those things. I shouldn't have to remind myself that I wasn't the reason you chose someone else. I shouldn't STILL feel the same gut-wrenching pain I felt then when I talk about it now. I truly think you never really know how it feels to be cheated on by the person you trust the most until it happens to you - until the person you love chooses someone else. I wish things like this didn't happen - that other people didn't have to feel the same pain and hurt the way I did. I also know that you didn't think of the repercussions - you were in the moment, and while I ha-te the way you chose to respond to the situation, I know you didn't intend for it to stick with me for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, pain that severe takes a very long time to heal, if it does at all. I'm waiting for my time when this story doesn't hurt so much - when I can tell it alongside the story of my happiness.
So thank you, for preparing me for the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you for helping me understand that person wasn't you - even if the way I had to find out made me feel the worst kind of way. Thank you for teaching me that I never should settle - that I deserve to be treated like a queen and with respect. No one deserves to be betrayed like that - no one deserves to feel like they aren't enough. I don't know if this will help you to understand or not, but please know that I never have and never will hate you - I loved you more than anything at one point in time, and even if you weren't the one for me, I wouldn't trade the memories or lessons learned for anything.
I hope you find your happiness - I know I'll find mine.
