I have never found an introduction more difficult to write.

There is so much that should be said to you that I can never articulate, especially now at a time when I think you need to hear these words most.

Being a writer isn’t easy, I hope you know that. And I hope you know that trying to pour 18 — almost 19 years — of our whatever-we’d-call it onto a blank document is one of the most intense things I’ve struggled with because I don’t want to get this wrong. You deserve better.

Which is weird to say.

Which, if we’re being honest, will be weird for everyone who knows us to read as well.

Our sibling-ship is… interesting.

There is, truthfully, no other way to put it.

We're both awkward half-adults who don’t really know how to show feelings or affection towards our other siblings until the time is right. And even then, we’re stunned by it.

Over the last few months, since I started college, a lot has happened between us that has not only left me bewildered, but also, Eric, since we pretty much gossip behind your back like high school girls who are still trapped in those ugly green-lockered hallways.

A lot of weird affections have made their way over text messages, and as a sister who is used to brothers being complete dicks, it’s quite shocking.

However, why is it so surprising?

We spent eight years together before our younger brother came into the equation; eight years of bickering and fighting, just us two, which, if anything, creates a bond deep within our stubborn bodies that refuse to deal with it till we’re actually approaching adulthood.

It is said that you don’t truly realize how much someone means to you until you spend time away from them.

As most brother and sister couplings do, we got along on and off. Like, for example, with video games. When you weren’t playing with your friends online, or playing on story mode of whatever game was keeping your interest, I would always beg to play. At our dad’s, that was our sibling time. I believe there were even times where you asked me, yourself, without any prompting, if I wanted to play. To this day, video games are still a thing for us. A tiny way to show some kind of hint towards being okay with each other when you invite me to play "Battlefront" before people show up for our New Year’s “party.”

Or allowing me to play "Fallout 4" after everything has wound down.

Sometimes, we just got along — because we did. Not because video games, but just because. I don’t have an explanation, sometimes we decided that maybe fighting all the time wasn’t for us and decided to give each other a break. Those were special times and they still are. They’re especially more common now. When we sit on the couch and you’re showing me stupid things on your phone, constantly. Talking about TV shows that we are now both watching because either you got mom and me hooked on it, or vice versa. It’s weird to try and remember times like that as a child because… I can’t. Of course, the video games. Maybe while we were watching movies.

Sometimes when we were at Aubrey’s house, and we all got along, you, her, her brother, and I.

Not that there’s anything wrong with fighting. That’s what healthy brothers and sisters do. I am completely floored by people who are able to say that they never fought with their brother—because it’s rare. And it’s weird. I don’t trust any of those people. You can love your brother and still fight. Aubrey and Zach for example, our two best friends, love each other so much. They are a relationship that makes me smile because sure, they bicker, but that’s what brothers and sisters do. Yet, they’re always showing each other how much they care.

We fought because we are wired to. Even now, we don’t fight, but we still get prickly around or about each other. I always complain about you, but come on now, I complain about everyone.

Getting older, it just seems that there’s no need for fighting like we used to, throwing things at each other, yelling, hitting, sometimes smushing hands behind couches, worrying you broke a hand (and then the brother not even remembering it years later? What is this?).

I guess, through all this bumbling and struggling to get words onto a screen, that — we’re brother and sister. Our relationship is about as weird as the next relationship. We fought — fight — because we’re siblings. We’re awkward around each other when it comes to affection because we grew up fighting, not all siblings are able to embrace and act like they grew up as the best of friends.

I don’t need a hug from you to know that you care.

The smacking of hands on a lunch table after I’ve already run out of the room, anger towards the bully — even though she’s a girl two years younger than you — works too. Or the offer to buy me food — or the other way around. Agreeing to drive me somewhere. Taking me to a movie. Not turning your back on me when I admitted I liked a girl. Getting mad at people because they’ve done me wrong.

Letting me play your video game — or letting me play a video game with you.

Like people who say that saying, “Get home safe,” is a way to say I love you, I know that everything before is your way of saying it.

It’s a big brother thing, right?

Which, as I write this down, shows how much of a lousy sister I am. Sure, I get mad at people who have done you wrong but I do it in the shadows of my own room, behind angry text messages to friends. I’ve never once stuck up for you like you’ve done for me.

You texted me this time, and I joked.

It turned out not to be a joke, and I’m so very sorry.

I want to apologize for being a crummy sister.

I want to apologize that the most I’ve done is buy you food, pay for tickets to movies, and give you used books that you’re probably not even going to read.

I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, even if I haven’t shown it. Of all people, I’m the worst at any type of intimacy and affection. I hate smooshy things unless it’s in movies and books and other people’s lives, so I struggle when it’s happening to me.

You asked me to write this letter, and I panicked, because I knew that there was a lot I had to say, but nothing I could say right because this isn’t my type of thing.

But, I’m going to try and be a good sister, here and now, for everyone to see, because you deserve it more than anyone.

So, here it is.

I apologize ahead of time.

I love you.

I love you and I hate that you’re once again going through this, and that you’re once again probably a wreck. I’ve watched you deal with break-ups before, and it’s always weird to watch you go into a funk.

I remember late nights the first time this happened, and to this day, I’m still bitter towards the person that caused it.

And this time, I’m going to be just as bitter, because no one is allowed to make you feel bad unless it’s your siblings—and even then, no one is allowed to hurt you this bad.

You deserve better, so much better, and I need you to know that.

But the thing is, is that you’re only 21. You’re so young, you don’t have to start looking to settle now. You have so much potential and you don’t have to worry yourself with making sure there is someone on your arm for it. You have family, and if anything, that’s enough to get you through most.

Just look at our mom. She raised some pretty great kids—and mostly with the help of family.

You don’t need someone to make your life good, to compliment you.

Please, don’t let this drag you down. Don’t let it ruin you. Don’t let it turn you to a bottle that you don’t need because that’s my worst fear for you. I don’t want you going that route, ever. And if it happens, I don’t want to witness it.

You are strong, we’re all strong, we learned it from our mother who has taught us to be nothing but strong.

Just breathe in, breathe out, and keep on breathing and living, because this is just one day, one week, one person, one moment, when you have thousands of those ahead of you waiting for you to take them on.

Take those days on, but take them on for yourself. Think about yourself, before you think about someone else. I know that you care, I know that you are struggling with this, but your family is here for you, and even if you’re at school and not in the space with family right next to you, we’re always a text away. Maybe it’s good to just set it all aside, sleep it off, start anew.

I’m not the best of all sisters, and it’s hard to be there for you over text, but I’m going to try and be there through the only format I can: words.

Keep doing you, and don’t let this drag you down, you understand?
Because I need you there next time someone bullies me, not sulking in your room with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, you got that?

Just know, I appreciate you.

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

Thank you for being my brother.

Thank you for the days you let me play video games with you.

Thank you for embracing the obsession I have created over the TV shows that you introduced me to.

God, just, thank you. And I’m sorry because this could be better. You deserve better.

I miss you,

From your sister who is and always will be by your side.