Leah,
It has been years since I have considered you my mother. Of course, you carried me and gave me life, but growing up I wanted more. But now that I am 20 and learning what people call life lessons, I have decided to forgive you and most importantly thank you.
As a 6-year old girl, being told that the woman you called mom has left you raises many different questions. I always felt there was something less of me that caused you to walk away from me with no desire to turn back. I fought mental and emotional battles with myself every day for years, trying to find the answers to my “why?” I have yet to find those answers. Only you know them, and I have simply come to terms with that realization.
Small memories still linger in my head, the rare visits and even rarer phone calls.
I think I was about 7 when we went to Six Flags — I busted my chin open that day. I now recall the things you said when Tre’s mother wanted to take me to urgent care. “Oh, she is fine; I’m not having her ruin my day.” Cruel words, some would say, but I think of them as eye-openers.
Another time that sparks my memory is when Aunt Lana passed. You showered me with false hope and love and, of course, gifts. Just to con me into wanting to live with you; that was a battle that I finally won.
This letter is to thank you for the things you have unerringly done for me throughout the last 14 years.
First, I’d like to thank you for leaving. Even though I spent many nights crying, you leaving brought me the best two things I could ever ask for. One, my mother, Celina. She has shown me what a mother should be like. She has taken me in and treated me like I am her own. And in reality, I truly am. Without her help, I would not be on the track I am today. She was there through all of the birthdays, all of the Christmases, all of the heartbreaks and breakdowns; she was the one who I ran to when I need a motherly comfort.
And two, my little brother. We are 18 years apart, but at the end of the day, he is my best friend. He may only be 2 and have no idea what I’m talking about half the time, but he makes me laugh when I need it most. He is the brother I always wanted.
Secondly, I’d like to thank you for pushing me onto my father. He didn't have to keep me either, but he did. He made sure I had what I needed and even what I wanted. Pushing me onto my father brought me closer to my Mamaw and my Papaw, and now I know that I have had, at most, the best relationship possible with them. You showed me that my father is strong; you allowed me to see the forever loving side of my father. You let my father become my hero. Without you leaving and making my young heart break, I would have never discovered this in the great mass I have today.
Third, thank you for the lack of phone calls and canceled visits. This taught me to cherish every moment and every phone call with the people I love. It also taught me that it's OK for things to not go the way as planned. Because at the end of the day, there is always a better outcome.
Last, I’d like to thank you for helping me become the strong woman I am today. Without the constant tears and questioning, I would have never been able to bear the obstacles that are thrown at me in everyday life. Without you, I would have never had an example of someone I don’t want to be. I don't think I would be as humble as I am.
So, in conclusion, thank you for everything. Thank you for leaving, thank you for your unkind words, thank you for the lack of phone calls and thank you for never being there when I wanted you to be. After years of holding a grudge, I forgive you with every ounce of my heart.
Sincerely,
Jasmine
