Being a part the LGBTQIA spectrum, most queer people will find a community. These are the people who will stand with you against oppression, they will be there when you’re questioning everything you’ve ever known, and they will make sure you know that you have a family no matter what. It’s a place to feel welcomed and normal and for queer people to love other queer people. Sometimes, though, you are hurt by the people who are supposed to be your rock. The people who experience the same horrible things that our heteronormative society pushes on us suddenly become just as bad.
As many studies will show, lesbians show some of the highest rates of violence in intimate relationships. Many lesbians find that their partners have an insistent need for power and control in their relationships due their lack of power and lack of rights in society. They control their partners through physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse. Abusive partners will berate their girlfriends in public, hit them, degrade them to the point of completely decimating their self-esteem, and even threaten to out them to their family and friends if they are still in the closet.
No matter what the reasons on a societal level, there is no excuse for abuse. Abusers have no right the treat the ones they are supposed to love horribly and victims and survivors should never have to be made to feel like less than a person. So this is my letter to all of my girls out there who have been hurt by the girls they love.
First off, I want you to know that it was never your fault. Being a lesbian is hard enough and having the person beside you who was supposed to help in this world turn on you is one of the worst experiences anyone can go through. You did not bring this on yourself and it is not on you to fix your partner. You are a person, just like everyone else and you are just trying to make it.
You are worthy of love. Whether it was your first love or your sixth, no one deserves to be hurt. No one is punishing you for being gay. Having an abusive partner was not some divine punishment to hurt you for going against some divine being. You are not the first person to have been deceived by an abuser. It is a skill and they get very good at it as time goes on, you are not stupid and no matter what they say, you did not deserve it.
If you are going through it right now and are thinking about leaving, I know that one of the things they might be telling you is that no one will ever love you like they do. I’m telling you right here, right now, that they have no idea what real love is. All they know is control and one day, you will get the love that you’ve been giving out for so long.
When you’ve been hurt by someone who is just as disenfranchised as you, it makes you feel worthless. Some things that can run through your mind are, “If this person hurts me then I must be doing something wrong. It must be my fault.”
It’s not. It will never be your fault. The fact that you’ve made it this far shows just how strong and courageous you are. You are not a bad person and you deserve all the love in the world. Don’t worry, there is a girl out there who loves you and you will have a beautiful gay wedding together…if you want a beautiful gay wedding. I believe in you and you are loved. You are beautiful and you are doing your best, don’t be too hard on yourself. Love is a battlefield after all, and you’re already winning.
Sincerely,
Your sapphic sister in arms
