Hey God,
Alright, maybe it's just me but I've been feeling a little left behind by you.
I usually count myself pretty lucky; I have great friends, family, and relationships (most of the time). No matter what happens, I always try to make sure that I stay positive and look at the "brighter side of things." But what happens when you try to look at the brighter things but only find yourself staring into a dark hole with, what it looks like, no way out. Now I know what you're going to say, that I should just pray about it... but honestly, when I do pray, I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. And I know you're there, I just sometimes have a hard time finding you.
I haven't been going to Church. Maybe that's it; why I can't see to be able to reach you... but I've always been told you're everywhere I am and everywhere I go. But don't worry, I went this week now I see why I might be having issues. This week the priest talked about forgiveness and boom, just like that I realized why I've felt like this.
Over the past two years, I have been losing friends, making new ones, and forgetting the past... not forgiving it. I have been saying, "I'm over it and I'm just going to move on," but Father was right. "You shouldn't allow someone to set up house in your brain." AND THEN IT CLICKED. Before that, I was starring outside at the tennis courts and as soon as I heard that, my eye and attention went to the front. All these people I "lost" were still inside my head making me feel like I haven't been able to move on because I haven't. I let my thoughts wander throughout the day about how they made me feel and why they upset me, but in reality, I should've just forgiven them from the start.
At the risk of sounding dated, I need to remember, "YOLO." I only get one life and I want you in it, but you can't be there if forgiveness isn't. So today, tomorrow, the next day, I will forgive.
Maybe I wasn't willing to forgive because I'm not ready to forget, but I can forgive and still be angry. I'm human.
Until next time. (Which will be sooner than the last)
Cece Rolow
