Dear FRIEND,
It has recently come to my attention that you keep complaining about being stuck in the "Friend Zone". You are. I'm sorry, but in today's society it's possible that boys and girls can just be friends, and that's exactly what you are. Here are a few ways you'll be able to tell if you've been put into that category of no return. Don't take it personally. You're a great guy, but I just want to be your friend.
1. She uses terms of endearment, that ends with "bro"
Maybe it'll be in the form of an Instagram post, a text message, after an awkward hug. It really doesn't matter.
"I love this guy, he means so much to me. Thanks for everything Bro."
Anything including the word "bro" is bad news for you. To put it simply: you're like my brother. The idea of anything past that makes me cringe with a little bit of vom.
2. She asks to bring a friend on your "date"
Listen here guys, we're not stupid. We know that if you offer to take us anywhere besides McDonalds that constitutes a date.
You may think that there's hope, but if she asks to bring a friend, there's not. It's not because we miss this person so much that we absolutely cannot eat another meal without them... It's because we want to make it clear to you that we don't want you to get the wrong idea, and that this is like an actual date, because it's not.
3. She talks about other guys around you
"Please tell me you saw that kid with the man bun, ugh so cute! Must SRU Crush that man!"
If she talks about other guys when she's around you, this is a major red flag that you've been "Friend Zoned".
Don't think I don't have plenty of girl friends that I can't go and gossip about the hottie that I just spotted, I do.
I'm telling you to let you know that I'm still looking, that I'm not content about the current male presence in my life (you) and that I'm looking for someone cute to strike up a conversation with.
4. She calls you "cuddly" or "dependable"
You know what's "cuddly" and "dependable?" Dogs.
1. Dogs are pets and not boyfriends.
2. Dogs are a girl's best friend.
3. You're my best friend.
So, 4. You are equivalent to my dog.
Even my logic professor would admit that this is a sound argument.
5. She ugly cries in front of or on you.
Now us girls are sensitive creatures, but we are masters at covering up our emotions.
For example, we could be mad at you for hours and you would have no idea until you went home and received a passive aggressive text about that girl's Instagram photo you liked.
If we ugly cry on you, we clearly aren't that attracted to you. It's too risky to wash off all of the makeup.
6. She asks you to help her clean her apartment
If she was really interested, she would highlight her "wifey skills" maybe even make you dinner.
But you, YOU get to help the lady chip away the hardened vomit on her carpet from the block party... 2 months ago.
Because someones gotta do it...
7. If you have been friends for over 6 months and she hasn't tried to drunk kiss you.
C'mon. Girls kiss everyone when they're drunk. Love for all the attractive humans... but not you.
I'm sorry guys, there's just no hope of you coming back from that. No matter how many times you buy me Bob's subs and listen to me complain about missing my mom, you're just my friend and I've placed you in the "Friend Zone."
