Hey,

If you’re reading this, it’s too late. This letter is only to be opened when you’re drunk, so listen very carefully to what I am about to tell you.

Also, if you currently cannot read this due to your inebriation, please have someone less intoxicated read it aloud for you.

The following steps are going to help tomorrow not completely suck.

1. Before you go to bed, no, before you even leave wherever you are drinking, make sure you have everything. Is your wallet in the couch cushions? Is your phone outside in a bush? Do you have your house keys? Is everyone, that you know of, who is supposed to go back with you, coming back? Knowing you, one of these is missing, so, get to it, go find them, then we will proceed to step number two.

2. When you get home, please refrain from cooking a full five-course meal. I get it, you have the drunchies, but here’s what is going to happen if you decide to go the cooking route, you’re either going to make a simple thing like mac and cheese, and mess it up by leaving a mess everywhere, or you’re going to make the most extravagant meal with ingredients that were never supposed to go with each other in the first place, yet you will claim you are a master chef and proceed to leave a mess everywhere. Either way, you’re going to really fuck up your kitchen, so whatever you do, do not even think of turning on that stove, and instead, please grab the bag of chips or something simple from in the cupboard. This next thing is simple yet important: Grab the biggest cup you have in your kitchen, and simply fill it up with water. Then, grab your snack and water, and proceed with step number three.

3. Step number three is by far the most important step. This step will ensure your morning tomorrow will be just as splendid as all of the other sober mornings. By now, you’ve probably finished the snack, and are wondering how to get into bed properly. Well, let me tell you, the first thing you’re going to want to do is put your water on the bedside table, and take off your shoes. While you’re at it, take off the rest of your clothes, too, because you’re going to thank me when you wake up, and you don’t still have your outfit from last night, stained with light beer and shame. Next, we are going to drink all that water in that big cup you filled up. Yes, drink all of it. Then, go to your bathroom sink (do not go back out to kitchen) and fill it up again. Down that cup and maybe one more, if you’re feeling up to it. Now, you’re going to crawl into bed, place this letter on the table, and you’re going to sleep and not text anyone anything you would regret. In the morning, you will wake up, and thank me.

If you’re waking up right now and you feel pretty dang good, you haven’t lost anything, you’re in normal sleeping attire and you’re not receiving random text messages titled “WTF, bro?” then congrats! You successfully got drunk and followed the procedures of this letter. You have only yourself to thank for this. Now, take this letter and put it in the fridge next to where you put your beer – you’re going to need this letter again tonight, Also, it’s only Friday morning, bud.

Love,

Your sober self