Dear 12-year-old Marissa:
This will be harsh, but it's what you need. You're going to be sad sometimes. Actually, you'll be sad a lot of the times. In middle school, you'll want to be different and you'll question who your real friends are, turns out not many of them were actually there for you, and you'll jump into the "emo crowd." That's a bad idea. They're nice people, but they'll introduce you to self-harm by cutting. Now I know you've been hurting yourself by other means, but cutting is a whole different ball game. This will temporarily alleviate some of your emotional pain and numbness. You'll later regret each cut, but wont stop because you'll become almost addicted to the pain.
You'll think you deserve it for some reason that you never find out, but you don't deserve it. Nobody deserves to feel like they should hurt themselves. You'll learn to blame your dogs for the cuts in case anybody gets curious, and they will. You'll be ashamed and embarrassed and you'll want to end your life so you'll stop feeling so inadequate and bothersome to the people you love. You'll act fine and happy so nobody expects you to actually have any problems, and you'll throw yourself into acting because it seems like a great idea since you've been acting this whole time anyway. Acting will give you an escape from your mental prison, so you can be someone else. At this point, you will question if you'll even make it to college, but you will have come to terms with your issues, thinking nobody cares about you, even if deep down you know they actually care.
You will experience happiness, but you won't appreciate it, you'll be selfish. Your happiness is fleeting, and I just wish you would have actually tried to see that you'll be successful. You'll try to kill yourself multiple times, and you won't appreciate your life.
During the second semester of your senior year, you will be admitted into an outpatient program at your local hospital. It won't help you too much, but you will meet and befriend some of the most interesting and strong people. They will stay with you even to today and you will stay in contact with some of them.
Skip some time to now, you'll still be struggling with the urges to self-harm at times, but you'll continue to fight. You have an amazing support system of family and friends. They will be there to pick you up after you've fallen apart, they will try to fix some of the messes you've made, they will hold you accountable for opening up to them. Sometimes you'll be selfish and loathsome, but your parents are really there for you through everything, even if you're embarrassed to tell them.
You are happier than before, you are a hell of a lot stronger than you were. You can do this.
You have been loved from the beginning, you will be loved until the end,
Marissa.
