To those in my life…

To one, I say “thank you.” You’re there for me even though I can be a bit of a jerk at times. You put up with my lame jokes, my constant problems, and dorky obsessions. Sometimes I drag you into my ideas and pull you along into whatever “why not?” notion I have and simply want you to accompany me. I give you an ear full of my ranting about whatever issue is eating at me think week. How are you not tired of me? Thank you for just being there. I really am trying to get better. I’m working on being patient, a better listener, less self centered. Believe it or not, you are a role model in my life. I try to be strong, independent, and act like I don’t need anyone. However, I think you can see that. You’ve seen me falter and stumble, unsure of my own reality. You wait for me and provide courage and support. You aren’t perfect, but you’re pretty dang close and you know I’m far from perfect and that doesn’t sway or deter you. You seem to be up for anything I throw your way. I could say “Ya know what? Let’s build our own Enterprise and search for the Black Knight Satellite! Where the bloody ‘ell is my Starfleet uniform?” and you’d stare off into space, deep in thought, contemplating this idea. Then look to me and simply say, “Let’s do it. Make it so! The uniform is in the closet.” You don’t mind my nerdy side or constant love for research (especially ancient Egypt). You’re my safe haven. So again, thank you.

To another, my words are, “do I even exist?” I know that’s an odd thing to say, but sometimes I feel invisible. This can be both good and bad. Good in the sense that if I were to trip and fall on my face, you probably wouldn’t notice or bat an eye. At the same time I wonder if I were to throw a paper airplane at you, would you notice? I could sneak pictures of you and I doubt you would know. However, that sounds very stalker-ish, so maybe I won’t do that. To some degree, you bug me. Why can’t I figure you out? At the same time, I find this interesting. Maybe I’m over analyzing… In that case, I’ll take a step back. Your laugh echoes off the walls and you make those around you smile. Are you hurting? Is this bright side of you just a front? I want to know you, but I’m afraid of getting too close and I don’t know why. For now, I suppose I’ll just keep my distance, and let time do its thing.

To the last and not totally least, all I can say is, “what is your problem?” I will say it right out, you annoy me. Why, you ask? Do you want a list? Ever heard the Toby Keith song “I Wanna Talk About Me”? That’s a good place to start. I really like talking about you, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it’s nice to get a genuine “how are you?” and have someone actually mean it. It would also be nice to have a solid conversation. You know, where both sides contribute ideas. Sometimes I have something that I think you might like or something that I find interesting and really want to share with you, but the conversation is suddenly turned and my words become dust to the wind, as if I never even said anything. You’ve taught me not to share things with you, whether that is what you meant to do or not. There have also been times when I’ve been emotionally hurt, and I don’t think it was intentional, yet when I try to bring it up, you suddenly shut down and point the blame at me. If I did something wrong I am more than willing to fix it and do better and try harder, but is it wrong for me to expect you to do the same? At this point I’m worn down. I want to be there for you, I want to hear your stories, I want you to be a part of my life, but if this keeps up, I don’t think I can take much more emotional abuse. The next time I come to you for help and you shrug me away… well, let’s just say that the next time you feel like you’re suffocating, don’t expect a response from me...

Sincerely,

Just Another Girl