Lately, I’ve had a hard time letting my past go. We can all admit there are some situations you will always be bitter about. Break-ups you wish had gone better, the job interview you wished you had nailed, or some choices you wish you hadn’t made. I find myself angry with people who have left me. The ones who are always supposed to be there, like your parents, and the ones who didn’t have an obligation to stay but promised they would. Sometimes, despite their best attempts to be loyal and your willingness to try to let them go, it’s still hard to come to terms with the fact that you lost them anyway, or maybe you never really had them to begin with. I decided in order to clear my mind of my anger, regret, and emotions entangled in my loss, I would write them letters.

To my “dad,”

I called you my sperm donor all throughout high school; I still do sometimes. Your abandonment left me wondering for years if my life would be different had you stuck around. Would I have had that normal family dynamic that most of my friends did growing up? Would you have been able to stop her bad habits, or would your bad habits feed off each other, making my life worse? I met you when I was 12 but your presence didn’t affect my life much. You’ve never been a constant. You weren’t there to teach me how to ride a bike or send me away to my senior prom, but he took your place. He was more of a dad than you could have ever been to me. He cheered me on at all of my games, flew across the country to watch me graduate college, and he’s the man that will be walking me down the aisle. I guess it’s a good thing you left before I was born, because I got him as a dad instead. That’s something I can thank you for.

To my mom,

You were physically there but mentally drowning in a bottle of liquor for my entire life. In one of your drunken rages, you told me you wished you never had me; that I should be in an orphanage. I pictured my life if I was. Would I have a mother who read me to sleep at night? A mother who helped me with my homework and picked out my outfits for school? Would I have been better off? We lived under the same roof for 20 years but I don’t think you ever got to know me. Do you know my favorite color? It’s been the same since I was 14. Do you know what my favorite movie is? It’s one that you showed me. Do you know how many nights my brothers came into my room and I held them as you had one of your fits? Do you know what I want to be when I grow up? Do you know how much it hurt for you to out me to our entire family before I was ready? You stole so many things from me growing up. I know they say it’s a disease and you can’t blame the alcoholic because they can’t help it; but how can you expect me to not be angry that you were never there for me? I taught myself to braid my hair. I studied so that I didn’t need help with my homework. I picked out my own prom dress without you. I found teachers that mirrored what I wanted in a mother and clung on to them for dear life. You made me doubt my worth because I was never more important than your latest drinking binge. I scare myself sometimes when I have a little too much to drink because I don’t want to end up like that. I’m sure you love us, but that love doesn’t seem to be enough to make you get help. Having you as a mother has taught me to fend for myself. I don’t rely on anyone’s help. You have shown me what not to do, and besides our looks, we are nothing alike. I don’t think that I would be as headstrong, as determined, and as passionate about my beliefs if I hadn’t grown up the way I did. That’s something I can thank you for.

To the boy I loved in high school,

I spent about 6 years dreaming of a future that always included you. Where we would go to college turned into what careers we would have and what our family would look like. You strung me along believing that if I had just done this one thing differently, we would be together and happy. If I just tried a little harder and stayed a little complacent, you could love me. One day, I was everything you ever wanted. The next day, she was. You told me once that you wished I was dead and that night, I wished I were too. Our fights were nasty and you never ran out of low blows. Looking back, I don’t think I ever meant anything. None of the girls did. You were filling a void, one I don’t think you ever understood. I know now that it wasn’t my fault. That nothing I did differently would change where we are now. You taught me to never take someone’s word for how they really felt; actions are always the truth teller. I think that first heartbreak really taught me what I wanted out of a relationship, something you were never able to give me. Stability. Actions. You taught me that the opinion of who you like shouldn’t be able to break you. I learned a lot of lessons during our time together. That’s something I can thank you for.

To my high school best friend,

You were always more like a sister to me. We met when I was 15 and you were the one constant throughout my high school years. We did everything together, from Monday night Gossip Girl to our Sunday morning Friends re-watches. We grew up together. I believe that high school and college are the times when you learn the most about yourself and become who you truly are; you were there for all of that. Anytime I was having a hard time at home, your home was my safe haven. I spent holidays at your house. Your family became my family. You left me because a boyfriend told you to and you missed out on the two hardest years of my life. I made one of the scariest decisions of my life: to transfer to a college across the country and I couldn’t even talk to you about it. We were supposed to always be there for each other, but somehow you were nowhere to be found. I was discovering myself and it went against everything I had ever known, and all I wanted was to talk to the person who knew me best, but you were gone. I don’t think I ever really forgave you for that. We tried to fix things and get them back to normal but we never really got there. Now you’re nothing more than a stranger to me. This year has been a hard one too, and I’ve survived it without you again. I have friends now that actually stick by me—that know why I am the way that I am, and prove me to that that’s okay. I’ve learned to be selective with whom I entrust my secrets to and whom I allow myself to open up to. I’ve chosen best friends who can make me cry laughing, who hold me when I’m actually crying, and who know my family situation and lend a hand when needed. I find traits of you in them. I know what a true best friend entails. That’s something I can thank you for.

To the first girl I loved,

You changed my life. You were the first girl I ever had deep feelings for. You were my first girlfriend. You were the girl I was dating when I came out of the closet. The first girl I introduced to my parents as mine. You were the first relationship I felt comfortable with sharing publicly. You were there for my first Pride experience. While being with you, I became more comfortable with myself. You were also the worst fights I had. You were the first person to make me doubt I was worthy of love. You were the first person to make me feel crazy for wanting honesty. You were the first person who made me feel like celebrity crushes meant more than I did. You’ve made it so that I doubt everything that she says. No matter how many times she promises me that she’s not like the ones before, I doubt it because, well, you said the same thing. Although I know she’s nothing like you, the paranoia still haunts me. I was always wondering if you were telling the truth, if you meant what you said, or if I ever mattered. I try not to do those same things now. I look back and wonder why I stayed for as long as I did. Part of me thinks it was because I wanted you to be the only girl I was interested in. I was gay for YOU, not gay. I’ve come to terms with that now and I know that we were never right for each other and that I am in fact, gay. I’ve learned to love myself more. I’ve learned to choose a woman who tells me how she really feels and never leaves me wondering where we stand. Someone who shows me that I’m important. I’m in love with an amazing woman now and I guess that’s something I can thank you for.

I learned from all of this that it’s important to know how to stand on your own, so thank you for leaving and showing me that my ability to overcome defeat always shines brightest when I’m alone. Even though you’re gone, you all left me with the lesson that sometimes the people you expect to be there are the ones that leave you behind. While having relationships with others is important, make sure that your relationship with yourself is the strongest. Peyton Sawyer once said that people always leave. I think she meant that people leave, but you find the right ones that will stay. Despite all that I’ve lost, I still have an amazing family, a great tribe of best friends, and a loving, stable relationship. That’s something I have these people to thank for.