Dear 15-year-old me,
You've always liked him. Just admit it to yourself and quit denying it when everyone asks. You might not believe me, but it's the way your eyes shine their brightest when someone says his name. Or it's possibly the way you look away as quickly as you can when you catch him looking at you. You don’t understand how crucial it is to just admit it right now, but it is.
He's not being rude, but he's in this phase of awkwardness right now and doesn't know if he's allowed to date a girl like you. He's always known you as the girl he could tell everything to, but now he sees you as more and it's bothering him. He just doesn't know what to do about it, and the way you’re treating him isn’t helping. March up to him and tell him you'd like a date Saturday night. Let him figure out that cliques don't matter and that stereotypes are invalid and that yes, he is allowed to date you because you are you and you are not like the rest. Make the first move if you have to. He will like it. He'll even be relieved.
When he gets his driver’s license and offers you that ride to school, don't turn him down just because you didn't want to leave your friend behind. I hate to inform you, but that friend won't be in your life much longer. Plus, she's a big girl. She can go catch the bus like you were initially going to do alone. I don't care if she gets mad and doesn't talk to you for four days. Baby girl, HE is so much more important. Are you starting to see what I’m saying?
When the next year comes and he's in three of your classes, don't separate yourself from him just because he's became one of the hottest high school quarterbacks the world has to offer. The sexy smirk and player games should signal that he needs you as his friend again. He isn't like this. You know that. Why haven’t you seen that he can't even look at you anymore? There’s a reason. Open your eyes and notice it.
When the end of junior year comes and he walks up to you at 3:52 pm to pour is heart out, and tell you he desperately needs you back in his life, but as more than a friend, don't just blush and walk away because he intimidates you. You are beautiful. He knows that. He's actually intimated by you.
To be truthful, he has never loved someone as much as he loves you. He tries, but he just can't get you to see it. Watch his facial expressions when you say his name. He wants to believe there's hope, but his hope is slowly fading. In reality, he has never been so nervous around someone because everything you two have ever shared is on thin glass and he's afraid of losing it. He doesn't want to mess it up and I know you don't either, but if you see him sitting on one of the toy elephants at Walmart at two in the morning drinking vodka out of a water bottle, open up your eyes and see that he needs you. God, does he need you... Don't turn your head and walk away. Instead, take him in your arms and hold him tight. He needs comfort. He may appear strong on the outside but the truth is he's just as fragile as a baby. His world is crashing down and no one but him is seeing that. He wanted to you to see it, but you are just being selfish.
He needs your friendship.
He needs your love.
He just needs you.
Overall, don't just cut him out as high school starts because you're not "good" enough. Sweetie, in his eyes, you are the world. He is the one that will be there in the long run if you let him. High school would be so sweet if you just don't stop talking to him. But if you don't step up soon and tell him you want him around, he'll be searching the seven seas to find something that honestly can't compare to the incredible love story you two could've had. It was definitely one for the books. That's why I'm writing you this now. Have you woken up yet? Please wake up…
Xoxo,
The one who let him get away.
