Dear Old Me,

Freshmen year I went to spring training for marching band, and I met all the drum majors and everyone. Though one drum major stood out above the rest. She gave me her number in case I had any questions before night band camp later that summer. I never did, but she ended up texting me “hey” anyway. I responded with “hey”, and then she responded back with “hey”. You get the point, we kept saying hey back and forth until someone eventually let up and started the conversation. It was our “Okay? Okay.” That actually continued to happen throughout the entirety of our friendship until it switched from texts to phone calls. Our “Hey conversations” then turned into 1 am phone calls. Every single night. If I was doing homework she would do it with me, or if I was finishing a project she would ask me “How’s it going” or “What are you doing now” every other minute. But if I was asleep or trying to fall asleep we would talk and then it would be complete silence for a couple minutes, probably from me falling asleep. Then she would whisper “Are you asleep” and if I didn’t answer she would shout “No it’s not 3 a.m. yet you can’t fall asleep-Wake up”. After the first call of that happening we both always made sure there weren’t any moments of silence or any dull moments. To be honest there were no dull moments with her. Whatever we did we made it great and memorable.

It was just one of those friendships you knew would never end. She was a senior who was going to college, but we always knew our early morning phone calls would keep us in touch. I mean after she graduated she would call me while I was at work. Then she showed up to band camp cause Reid asked her to help out the night before, and she just proved our friendship would never end. Every morning I had XC practice two hours before band camp started, yes I was crazy to do that, but every night we would still have our 1 a.m. phone calls throughout that entire week. We might’ve not gotten enough sleep, but it was worth it. Though what she did at the end of the week was why I thought it would never end. Friday she asked if we could go somewhere private because she had something to tell me. She actually had something to give me. It was a small black journal with a note written in it. She also made me an organizer that I could use of the good and bad things about both marching band and XC. This meant so much because I was choosing between two things I love to do and was having a very hard time deciding which to stick with. But under the good things about marching band she wrote in “meeting me”.

A couple weeks later she cut me off without ever telling me why. I was defeated. I was destroyed. I hit rock bottom, and I didn’t know what to do. A week and a half after she left she called me to explain why she left but that she’s back now. I went back with no doubt, but then she cut me off again. And that happened eight more times until she finally cut me off for the last time. After that I was emotionally drained and just mentally tired. I didn’t care about anything. I couldn’t trust anybody, show my emotions, open up to anybody, or get to close to anybody for the next year and a half. I was a different person after that, but I’m grateful I had somebody to get me through it because I never thought I would. At that moment I made a promise to myself to always be that person for somebody and to never cut somebody off or cause somebody that much agony.

I broke that promise.

You see I have my group and we’ve all been a group for seven years now. We’re there for each other through everything and celebrate everything together. Though there was one person who we didn’t hear from often and who just kept to herself a lot. We weren’t that close as you probably guessed. Then one day she texted the group “I was feeling alone” or something similar to that and I felt like my heart just broke. That was the first time after a year and a half that I was emotionally able to be there for somebody. So I texted her individually and we talked and I tried to comfort her and help. Then even the next day we would just keep talking. I felt hurt whenever she did and I didn’t like it. So I did everything I possibly could to make sure she was happy and okay. It was a weird feeling having to care again, but it was so weird because it was not only the first time I was caring for somebody but it was the first time no one was caring about me. It was a strange feeling realizing it was one sided, but then she eventually found out about my other side and that changed. I don’t think she knew how to handle it so I didn’t think anything of it, but I remember her saying one thing that night that just made me smile. I just knew we were going to be okay after that because I thought she couldn't make it one-sided after that...I was wrong.

A month later she cut me off. I was hurt, but I kept texting her fighting for our friendship. I don’t know what I was fighting for because there’s nothing to fight for in a one-sided friendship. Though I just didn’t want it to end. 13 days later she came back and we worked on rebuilding our friendship, even when everyone told me to leave it. After that, she started to care about me or started to show that she did, and I knew I made the right decision to try for this friendship again. Then everything just went downhill after that. She would talk to everyone except me and our group, ignore my texts, and refuse to make eye contact with the group and I. I was being pushed away by somebody I never wanted to give up on or have give up on me(again).

I was hurt by her yet again and was falling apart. I spent a week wondering what I did to her because she wouldn’t talk to me. I spent that week apologizing for everything I did(which I still don't know what I did to this day). Though the one thing I didn’t apologize for was for worrying and caring about her. She got mad at me when I did, but I knew I was doing the right thing by caring for a friend.

And that’s the point of this article.

Freshmen year I apologized for everything no matter what it was to have her as a friend. Now I said to this other friend I’m not going to apologize for caring about her or even worrying about her. I knew I was in the right and I was going to stand up for myself for that. Freshmen year I didn’t believe I would ever be able to move on or be the same person again. I’m now glad I’m not the same person. I am thankful for the old me because I love the new me. I no longer have a problem putting myself first when it comes to what’s best for me mentally.

Because I realized a friend who doesn’t celebrate your dreams coming true with you is not a friend. I realized a friend is somebody who is willing to work on a friendship. I realized a friend is one who doesn’t walk away when it gets tough. I realized I was slowly being dragged into another manipulative friendship and instead of letting it happen I stopped it.

I broke my promise to myself and I ended a friendship.

Some days I hope I would get a text from her of her fighting to get this friendship back. Sometimes I wish she would’ve spent five seconds to respond that she still wants this friendship. Other times I realize that she hasn’t fought for this friendship at all and probably doesn’t want it. When I think of the possibility that she doesn’t care at all about trying to get our friendship back I’m not hurt. I didn’t expect her to fight for it or do something incredibly nice or out there to prove me wrong. It’s just a thought at this point with no feelings to back it up, because quite frankly I just don't care anymore. After caring so much and putting all my effort into making sure she was okay I've finally reached my breaking point. I hope she will be happy and have friends by her side to make sure she's okay, but as much as I wanted to be that person and for as long as I did I'm just too tired to care anymore without getting anything in return. All my energy is drained from fighting a battle that couldn't be won from what felt like the other side of a wall.

This proves to me that I’ve grown.

Every time I would reach out to her to make sure she was okay or to tell her I was here for her for whatever she needed she yelled at me. All caps, exclamation points, curse words; the whole thing. Last year I would apologize, but it's a new year now. I told her I wasn't going to apologize for being a friend, and yes she yelled even more, but I'm no longer going to let other people's emotions dictate my life.

I have grown.

I hit absolute rock bottom. I was in the worst stage of my life and thought I would never see the light again. But after a long climb uphill, I'm back. I am not the same person as I was three years ago or even four months ago and I am proud of that.

So thank you to the friends who've stuck around through this difficult time for me and who have helped me see the light. Though to those two "friends" I'm not thanking you. You drove me to dig a hole deeper than I could ever imagine and drove me into a mindset darker than a black hole. Some people say you should thank the ones who gave you a challenge because without it, you couldn't have become a better person, but that doesn't apply here. I could've become better than the person I am today if it wasn't for the emotional scars, trust issues, and abandonment problems I have thanks to the damage you have done to me. I am not thankful you were a part of my journey, because what you did during it and how you left it leaves me speechless at how cruel human beings can be.

This proves to me that I have grown.

A year ago I wondered what would happen if I saw her again. I thought I would try to beat her up or try to get her to explain what she did to me. I would run circumstances through my head all day about what I would say if she texted me because I was scared. Though I can't do that with my other friend because I sit right next to her in class. And I'm just not scared anymore. If she said anything to me it would be an empty conversation. Or if she wasn't there one day I wouldn't be tempted to text her to see if she's okay. I hope she would be okay, but I can't be that person anymore and I've accepted that.

From this I know I have grown because I can sit here and type all this excited for it to be published and have everyone read it. The thought of them reading this article and having the chance of them bering offended or hurt by it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not scared to imagine what they might think of it or for them to even voice their opinion on it. They don't affect me on any level now.

I have grown.

It's been a rough couple of years, but I'm through it. I'm a better person now, but I will forever have the scars. Scars that symbolize every issue I have due to what I have been through. Though they're apart of me, they're battles that I overcame. I never want to see that side again or bring back any memories during it, but that side makes me who I am. The other side of me is gone but never forgotten.

Sincerely,

Your better half