I was 22 years old, in college, still unfocused, still lost, still confused, still depressed, and still angry. At that time anxiety would crush my chest. It would prevent me from having any solid relationships, in love and with friends. My past was clearly dominating my future and I was fine with this. I was 22 years old when I received a phone call that would change my life forever.

The one true love of my life, that I regrettably never loved the way she deserved, called me and said: I'M PREGNANT.

My response to her was cruel but also a frightened one. Life had decided that it was time for me to be a dad. I genuinely disagreed with life, very much so.

Two years later I found myself at a dead end job, drinking heavily, not in college, and barely being able to be the dad my son deserved. My relationship with his mother had been ruined because of my inability to love her. She couldn't stand the thought of me and I couldn't stand the sight of myself. We have been single parents for two years at this point. Yes, our relationship didn't make it through the first year after my son's birth.

I got to a point where my drinking had taken over my life and I had no clear future. One day something changed though. It was probably the worst day of my life but the outcome was exactly what my soul needed. My mind went into a disgusting fury of anger and hate for everything and everyone. The pure intent to kill myself was never more evident to myself and my desire to never wake up was clear. It was the weekend when this happened. The weekend was my time to spend with my son but I wasn't in any mental or emotional state to do so. My mind was drowning with thoughts that questioned my importance, my existence, and my purpose. As I was sitting on the couch in my living room shaking from the thoughts, my son crawled toward me. He reached out his little hand, placed it on my knee and said "daddy." My eyes locked immediately with his eyes. My soul resonated with his and his smile purged all of the negative thoughts that my mind was being plagued by. He pulled himself up to me and with all his strength he hugged me. "I love you," he said to me. It was at this very moment that my soul finally cried. I cried because I knew I wasn't being the dad he needed and deserved. I cried because I was letting my past control me to the point of wanting to kill myself. I cried because no one had ever loved me the way he loved me. With all my flaws, mistakes, and hatred in my heart, my son loved me so much. He never gave up on me or asked anything of me.

I decided it was time to change, not just for myself but for him. He is the first person I have ever wanted to love back the way that he loved me.

I quit drinking for the time being, decided it was time to finish school, and that it was time to live life for myself and my son. I went back to Nassau Community College to raise my GPA and then transferred to Queens College. My relationship with my family was improving as was my new relationships with the group of friends I have now.

Going to school, working, and attempting to be the best dad I could ever be for my son in an incredible adventure. There were decisions I had to make in my love life that would, in the long run, be better for myself and my son. My happiness and his were my main concerns. I always chose school over work which meant that jobs would always let me go because of my schedule with school, at least good paying jobs. I became determined to move forward and not remain static though. The support from my family, friends, and my son made it all easier though. My heart, soul, and mind were all fueled by him to keep pushing forward. The option of giving up was one that I never gave myself because I needed to prove to him that I could be the best dad for him. I needed to earn his love and compassion. I have a debt to pay him for saving my life and I'll devote my life to him.

It's been seven years since his birth now. We consider each other best friends. I see him during the week, depending if he's being a momma's boy or not, and every weekend. We watch anime, play video games, go to the park, eat ice cream, laugh, run, argue, and love each other.

Being a parent, student, worker, son, and friend, isn't easy; it isn't hard though. Not when you've been lost, on the edge of suicide, angry with your life, or drunk in your car crying because you feel worthless. Yes I stayed up all night writing horrible papers and then take him to school at 8 a.m. before I had class or work. There were sacrifices that I had to make in order to be on the path to being a successful person, in my own definition of the word.

My son saved my life. The least I can do for him is be the dad and role model he deserves. I was originally going to write about the struggles of being a student and parent. As I wrote this though I realized there was no struggle. I had the determination to become better, to progress, and to learn how to live happily. This has become my thank you letter to my son.

Thank you Caden. Although you may never read this, I just want you to know that I am forever in your debt. Thank you for gripping me tight and raising me from perdition. I love you.