I left a lot of things behind in 2015. Some things were simple and easy, like apps I needed to delete, papers that needed to be thrown away, and a lot of bottles from Bath and Body Works that were just taking up space. Clearly, some things in my life needed to go in 2015. I can’t hold on to essays from eighth grade and bottles of "Beautiful Day" body spray forever. But there were some more things I left behind, and they weren’t so easy to say goodbye to.
Saying goodbye is never an easy thing to do. There is a lot of guilt in the process. I felt so trapped. Was it me? How can I make this up to you? How can I take this goodbye back?
And, as I went through my life, with the goodbyes ringing in my head, I realized there was nothing I could do. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I didn’t do anything wrong. Life isn’t even at fault. Though it is unfortunate, goodbyes are a part of life. We can't fight the fact that there are some people who are supposed to stay for a lifetime, some who observe for a while, and some who leave. It’s a harsh reality, but it is what is supposed to happen.
I still think of you as a fantastic person. I hold all of our experiences and memories close to my heart when I need them. But, I don’t fret over them. I think of them when I hear a song, or see a place we used to go, or remember an important date. You were a part of my life. And now you’re not.
There are a few tragic yet beautiful options to our story. Maybe we will reconnect someday. Maybe our goodbye will be temporary, and we will have a spark bring us back to something. But, it will never be the same. Even if the tension of our goodbye isn’t the problem, the problem will be that we will be different. Our past will stay the past, and we will have to start all over. Every memory and experience will mean nothing, because we will be familiar strangers with different lives.
The other option is that the goodbye will stay. It will be permanent. We will not have the luxury of reconnecting. We will just stay strangers. Sure, we might see social media posts, or glance at each other on the streets. Life may keep us civil. But that will be it. We will be strangers with history, and it will be awkward and sad.
Our story ended, and I am leaving it behind with a lot of other things in 2015. You definitely weren’t left behind in the same way as an app or a bottle of lotion. You still mean something to me. You’re not trash. But like those things, I have to give you up in order for me to be happy. I need to give myself the respect I deserve to not feel regret over our goodbye. Thank you for being a part of my life, but I left that in 2015. It's time for me to say goodbye. It's time for me to focus on me.
